It is difficult
to get the news from poems
yet men die miserably every day
of what is found there.
--Asphodel, that Greeny Flower
before i was pregnant, i felt like 'the muse' was visiting often. my creative juices were flowing. i was writing a lot. poems seemed to spring out of the air. ideas were everywhere. in acting, i felt more and more.... open and effortless.
then i got pregnant.
and it all stopped.
to be honest, it kinda freaked me out. like, what if it doesn't come back? who will i be then? who will i be anway, as a mother? i honestly had no idea what motherhood would be like, what was waiting for me on the other side of "due date."
blah blah blah. the point is, i had to surrender to where i was, and just trust that i was opening up to something greater. even if 'the muse' never visited again, and i never wrote or acted or painted or did anything except change diapers the rest of my life.
the fact is that pregnancy/motherhood is like starting a new job (yes, an understatement i know but go with me here). and like we all know, you can feel a little shaky the first few months of something brand new. even though you may love your job... it still takes a while to get into a confident groove, and with motherhood you're still trying to figure out not only HOW to do the job, but WHO YOU ARE in this new role.
and as i mentioned here, i'm still not sure what it is, if anything, i am supposed to be focusing on now, outside of mothering. but i do know that i'm learning to trust myself more. to trust in the process --- something i spent years studying in acting but motherhood taught me in 9 months of pregnancy. to just go day by day following my instincts + my heart, and trust that i will end up where am i supposed to end up, nurturing those things that i was meant to nurture and grow.
but i am happy to report that i have been working on some new poems lately, which i will soon record and maybe post one or 2 here. (yes, i am a closet poet.)
hope you find some inspiration today.