charley star photo

learning to see.

Satine with Ball

my life has been so unbalanced lately, no rest time, no rejuvenation time, no reflection time.  i feel i've stopped seeing, i've stopped soaking in the moments. work has been great and steady, which i'm grateful for, but has completely taken over my life -- not just my work time, but what former downtime i've had.. for this and other reasons, myself and my marriage has taken a hit.  we've had no time for each other. i've had no time for myself.  we're stressed and overworked.  we have to take time to care for ourselves and each other. 

it's been hard, but we are finding our way and stepping forward with a new understanding, a new gentleness, a better care, and a stronger vision. the balance is coming... but when i am in that space sometimes, in the rapture + struggle of my drama, i will happen upon a moment that stops me in my tracks, that breaks my internal boiling reverie (which is where i've been lately, churning it over, working it out, holding on and getting hard and sinking into a space i didn't really want to be but couldn't find the way out when there are other parties involved) and demands that i put down my baggage, tuck my sad sap story of hurt away, and choose once again to be in awe of what i have, these small treasures of living, to let it go, to take life on all of its messy wonderful intriguing complicated fronts and begin to see again, to find the richness of the moment, to trust -- in myself, in the moment, in each other, to trust that all this internal churning i've been doing lately is a sort of spiritual skin-shedding, a re-processing, a way to keep equilibrium, and Authenticity.

breathe deep, and the moment will save you. if i truly see, if i really discover, and awaken to that one small moment of wonder and awe right in front of me.... everything unnecessary  melts away and all i am left with is all that i need. not the anger. not the stress. not the hurt. it can change my perspective in an instant, and i can reconstruct my story. it's like i've learned to see again. satine is the one thing to always do this for me, to lead me back to the path...

(the image above is from a new Satine series i'm working on.)

and this, the brilliance of bedtime now:  she tells me stories, every night, after i read to her.

here, a monster burps up a little girl.

Download 20090916_8 47 PM_satine tells story once upon a time monster burps lil girl

and here, satine sings in the bath.

Download 20090925 200446_satine sings in bath

43 years.

and counting....
thanks mom + dad!  .....

                        happy anniversary!

                                                   

xxo

*                 

my parents got married in 1965.
they were young.
20. 29.
he loved her.
she loved him.
simple.
done.

                       

what's to wait for when you're the one?

note on back

they'd been married one year. new love. it's hard to imagine our parents like this, goofy in knee-buckling love, but i can imagine mine. their love was evident, all through my childhood.  i imagine this time to be one of their most carefree, and happiest.  newly adult and together in the world, 1st home, feeling good, before kids.  they were any young newlywed, with their whole lives ahead of them...

and from this state, sprang 43 years.   they are still together, still going strong, still in love. last time i was home they kissed so much i found myself blushing.  but that's not to say it was all peaches n cream.  growing up, we had some doozies.  fighting and screaming, doors slamming and people leaving to blow off steam. 

i've had my own share of those doozies. fights with my husband that leave my shaking and vulnerable, where you're both tired or stressed and someone says a wrong thing, a word gets twisted or comes out twisted, and you're both charging to be right or understood or adored...    or to get the other person to peer out from your side of the mountain but they won't see the world from your view... and you go from precious-intimate-loving-security- to what-happened-and-who-are-you-oh-you're-my-enemy-insecurity....    those kind of fights. they're rare, sure... but one or two of these can leave you wilted, even if infrequent.

as a child, i hated to see my parents fight. as all kids do.  it was awful.  and again, not that they did it all the time, but as a kid, this kinda stuff is really upsetting. so they'd fight. dad'd leave the house for however long, a few hours, and i remember wondering if he was going to come back. which my mom never seemed concerned about because she knew he would, this was nothing, nothing finite, just two people learning how... to merge... with each other.

and to not run.

to not give up.

to turn,

slowly,

into the void,

and say:  I DO.

TO YOU.

I AM YOURS.
ALWAYS.
FOREVER.

                                       

Love Me,
                                               
                                                        Please,
                                                               
                                                                    Love Me.

*     *     *     *     *

thanks, mom + dad, for showing me the way. 
the road to another's heart is beautiful beautiful beautiful...
i love you love you love you...

the case for larger families

families come in all shapes and sizes these days.  but here's an interesting article for anyone who has, or is considering having, a large family.  check it out here.
nahch and i always dreamed three was our magic number, but some days i don't even know how i would do it with two, let alone five or more children! but i sure do think it would be fun. hard work, yes, (especially considering we're not all brangelina with tons of hired help) but so very rewarding! so hats off to all the mammas (and pappas) out there like jen and anyone else who has a large brood and is (according to the article) breeding better citizens!

so fun, in fact, that i would love to offer a free photo session to the first family in the greater Los Angeles area with five or more children that contact me.  so leave a comment if that's you, or forward this post to anyone whom you wish to nominate!  :)

xxo.
charley