charley star photo

               It is difficult
to get the news from poems
     yet men die miserably every day
               for lack
of what is found there.
                    --Asphodel, that Greeny Flower

*

before i was pregnant, i felt like 'the muse' was visiting often. my creative juices were flowing. i was writing a lot. poems seemed to spring out of the air. ideas were everywhere. in acting, i felt more and more.... open and effortless.

then i got pregnant.
and it all stopped.

to be honest, it kinda freaked me out. like, what if it doesn't come back? who will i be then? who will i be anway, as a mother?  i honestly had no idea what motherhood would be like, what was waiting for me on the other side of "due date."

blah blah blah. the point is, i had to surrender to where i was, and just trust that i was opening up to something greater.  even if 'the muse' never visited again, and i never wrote or acted or painted or did anything except change diapers the rest of my life.

the fact is that pregnancy/motherhood is like starting a new job (yes, an understatement i know but go with me here).  and like we all know, you can feel a little shaky the first few months of something brand new. even though you may love your job... it still takes a while to get into a confident groove, and with motherhood you're still trying to figure out not only HOW to do the job, but WHO YOU ARE in this new role. 

and as i mentioned here, i'm still not sure what it is, if anything, i am supposed to be focusing on now, outside of mothering.  but i do know that i'm learning to trust myself more. to trust in the process --- something i spent years studying in acting but motherhood taught me in 9 months of pregnancy. to just go day by day following my instincts + my heart, and trust that i will end up where am i supposed to end up, nurturing those things that i was meant to nurture and grow.

but i am happy to report that i have been working on some new poems lately, which i will soon record and maybe post one or 2 here.  (yes, i am a closet poet.)

but for inspiration, i have been loving this.  Check out Seph Rodney's video of Nick and the Candlestick.
thanks shari!

hope you find some inspiration today.
xxo
 

MORNING THOUGHTS

What do i need from this day for my soul to unfold?
For my deepest, truest self to find expression,
and bloom?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

ive been reading dawn markova's book lately, and she poess to us: what are the question we ask ourselves each day, each morning, when we wake? do we ask "what is the laundry list of things i need to do today?" "What are the problems I need to solve today" For she theorizes that the questions we ask ourrselves on a repeated basis are the very things by which we define ourselves and form our lives.

and so i took a look at the questions i ask myself.  What are my questions? What is my question? the one that i've asked with enough frequency that its begun to inform my life? better yet, if i could CHANGE that question, how would my life improve?

What if, instead of "how am i going to get everything done today?" i began to ask myself how i could notice the different shades of blue in the sky? How many shades are there? Is it different from yesterday? How about the night sky?
how can i become a better listener?
How can i...love more? enjoy more? open my heart? appreciate life more?
what would i tell myself about this being alive if i were to die and could offer my (living) self some advice?

so i came up with a new question-- what do i need from this day for a deeper and truer unfolding?

{Nature. walks. brisk air. laughter. joy. writing. creativity. friends. love. kisses. chocolate. my baby's breath....}



What are your questions? How do you enter your day?

xxo

DARING TO LIVE AN AUTHENTIC LIFE

well, believe it or not i have managed to finish a book.  well, almost. its not that i am a slow reader. its that, i read about 8 books at a time. 

this irks my husband. 

my sister, however, gets it. "it's like watching tv and flipping channels. you read what you're in the mood for." 

exactamundo!
so for the past few months, i have been reading several books, but mostly i have been savoring the delicious writings of mark nepo in his book, The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live an Authentic Life (thanks to libby for turning me on to him). i am down to the last chapter, but am savoring it ever so slowly, because i do not want to end my love affair with the book just yet.

"nothing matters now but the instant where all i am mounts like a wave for you. nothing but the instant my hand parts the air  between us...nothing matters but emptying, until the softness we call spirit bubbles through the tongue and words fail in utter adoration"

This is the art of living.

thanks mark nepo.

**

My purpose,
at last,
to hold
nothing
back.

My goal:
to live
a thousand years,
not in sucession,
but in every
breath.
   
     -Mark Nepo

INSPIRATIONS

My latest inspiration is simplicity.... 
small objects -- natural objects...
quiet, simple spaces... things with a story... 

like this mobile my sister made from small objects found on a visit to Marfa, Texas....
like this iron headboard given by an elderly lady to a friend, and then to my sister -- it still has the elderly lady's prayer card tied to it from when she was a small girl moving from italy to america...
like the simplicity of cut flowers from the yard, good light, a kid’s doll, and old wooden crates from a barn.

    
(click pic to enlarge)

this inspiration is in large part due to my sister and my recent trip to her and T's country house in upstate new york.  ever the design aesthete, she and hubby t have created a haven of a weekend house up there.  the house was full of charm and super-cute.

living in LA (and especially the almost nature-less area i live in), i had been craving THE EARTH. dirt. creeks. space.  Natural sounds.....  we spent the weekend strolling slow country roads, dense with trees and smell of rain in the air... watching (with dog tugging and satine squealing) the rush of water churning over the dam after the dump of rain, the rise and fall of the creek... reading, gardening, inspecting leaves and plants and new rosebushes (i've now mastered the identification of poison ivy)... cooking... (and well, ok, lots of dishwashing).

in some small crevice of the day, my breath dropped in a little lower, a little deeper, a little fuller.  my spirit felt a little freer and my mind had the pleasure (on its long walk or meadow-gazing or cat petting session) of wandering for wandering's sake -- not to solve problems or pre-multitask my next move. and somewhere, i realized, i had "found" a "missing" piece of myself that i had been too busy to even realize was missing.

maybe it was the verdant landscape. perhaps it was the rain. or waking up to the chirp of birds instead of the grate of an alarm. or the perfect cornflower blue out my window being the first thing i saw in the morning, or the simple wooden floors and "barn-modern" design aesthetic... whatever it was, i realize as i settle back into life in LA, where my surrounding 'nature' includes skunk instead of deer, how much my environs-- even my home interior -- influence my mood.  and i find myself cleaning and de-cluttering the house, aiming for simplicity and wishing for a big dump of rain to cleanse the air, and a rocking chair on a porch from which to watch it. 

xxo