charley star photo

TALKING TO MYSELF

we are our own best company. better learn to like yourself. :)

what about you, do you talk to yourself?

interesting.  and

some say it can make you smarter.

hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend! 

FAMILY PORTRAITS: HALLWAY CAMPING + 14/52

we have three big hallways in our house. they get a lot of play.

as a kid, i remember shutting all the doors to make the hallway pitch black, and playing "space" or "rocket ship" or whatever else me and my sis's little imaginations could dream up.

so happy to see my three littles now doing the same. i found them like this one day, to my surprise, cuddled up in the hallway. they pleaded for me to shut the door 'cause i was "letting the light in!"  (that thing in satine's hand is a penguin flashlight.) i had to run get my camera before i ruined the moment for them.

i strive to get the kids (ahem, myself) out of the house most days to play and discover, but it's always so nice to have a relaxing day at home, and give them space to unfold into the day...

they usually create far better playtimes for themselves than i could ever dream up.

simple really. 

for hallways camping all they needed were

sleeping bags (or blankets) and some pillows
flashlight
balloon
books
and a daydream....

i mean, just look at navia, above, contemplating the whole world.... 

 

xxo

FAMILY PORTRAITS: 13/52

tini + navi:  mesmerized

my two girls...  

a rare moment of stillness and captivation....  

we save screen time for the weekends, and as you sat and watched our go-to-family-fave in the late-afternoon glow, i sat on the floor and watched you...   also mesmerized.

mr. keats in joyful exuberation

you simply cannot get enough of being thrown into the air.  

this week you are loving being thrown, your cow, and most of all, your toothbrush.

also, keats took his first 2 steps this week! not long before i'll be chasing you all over creation. oh wait, i'm already doing that. :)

ONLY IN LOVE ARE WE OUR MOST NOBLE

"...With full heart and all that I am... 

      I make these vows and declarations to you:

 that my heart and soul are bonded to yours,

            and will be forever more.... "

 

thank you to my love, my dear Husband,  for these last eight magnificent years. for the crazy, full path;  
the deep, full heart;  the highs, the lows, the beautiful children, the laughter, the good times, the strength, the loyalty,
the hardwork, the wholeness...     just so much... just so, so, much....  

 

"For more clearly than anything I have ever known, I know this:

 THAT YOU ARE MY PATH.  You  are my heart.

You are my home."

 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABE.  
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST LADY ALIVE.

 

FAMILY PORTRAITS / THE 52 PROJECT

 

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Satine in Contemplation

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Keats in color (version of this)

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last year i was inpsired by deb to take more photographs of my own family.  i was so busy with client work and juggling motherhood/pregnancy/newborns the past couple of years, that i haven't documented my own family as much as I'd like, or if i did, the photos are buried in my computer somewhere.

i've also enjoyed looking at others' 365 Project seen all over the web.  I've seen the 52 Project around the web, and was inspired to do my own when i saw my friend elizabeth's 52 project.  i've been wanting to do something similar for so long, but didn't think i could commit to that type of daily/weekly/monthly ritual.  i mean, look. here i am 10 weeks late, er, in, and just now getting it together.  

but perfectionism is for the birds. right?! right! a domestic-mentor-someone inspired me to adopt this motto:  "You are not behind! I don't want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?" which is totally appropriate for this situation... so here we are.  jumping in at 10 weeks.

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, {uh, most weeks} in 2013."  

especially since i'm still on maternity leave from client shooting, i've really enjoyed getting out my "real" camera again, instead of just iphone snaps, and giving my family some of the photo-love attention that i give to my clients. we'll see how this goes.  some weeks might be portraits, some weeks might be more of a photo essay like deb's... my goal is just to re-commit to taking photos of my family the way i used to... 

anyone else doing a similar photo project? would love to see/hear about it.

xxo

 

HEY, YOU. STOP GROWING UP SO FAST.

hey, you. stop growing up so fast.

it's been 7 months since i last posted photos of you. though i take them quite frequently, i hardly have time to blog them.  but such is the pace of life today... with three, especially with you and your sister both being so young. life has been whirling by-- whirling! -- i can't stand it -- days whizzing by like bullets and me, observing all that you are and have become and i can't even believe my luck to get to be your mama.

sometimes, when i look at photos of you after you are asleep, my heart breaks into crackling fissures for all the new discoveries i find there in the photos, for fear that i missed them during the day when i was actually with you.  and then i will go and peer into your crib, see your rump in the air, knees tucked beneath you, and i'll reach down, squeeze your plump, squishy fingers with my finger tips, or rub your sack-o-potatoes back...

and for just a second, i'll be sad... sad in that my-heart's-so-full, motherly kind of way, sad that trying to take in all the details of your uniqueness and specialness is like trying to observe all of the stars-- you're bound to miss some. there's just So Much Good Stuff, and life is so full, and so fast, and i can't keep up, and there's three of you now, and, and, and..

I'm trying to absorb, to be present, and mirror back to you all that you are, and all the countless ways that i see you deeply and am on this ride with you, right here, right here with you.

so forgive me, little one, if i miss something.

now, you are talking. babbling, really, listening to your own voice, but i like to think that the other day in the crib you said your first word:  Mama.

MVI 7939 KEATS BABBLING from charleystar on Vimeo.

you are standing up really well on your own and attempted one (unassisted) step. your first. but you are making tracks down the hallway with your walker.

you grab everything. everything!  out of drawers. off tables. glasses off faces. anything you can get your hands on, you want to touch it, feel it, throw it, and sometimes even still, taste it.

you love to explore and you are superfast. and strong! and sometimes, when you're frustrated, you'll just THROW yourself in adorable exasperation, face down, onto the floor, palms slapping against the hardwood.

here you are lately:

your chubby cheeks and sometimes crazy eyebrow:

the wisps of your hair, which flare out on the sides:

your triumphant moves:

gleaming in the sun, that hair, again: 

your strawberry patch birthmark, about to be covered for good by your growing hair until at some future point you might decide to shave your head...

your smirk. the way your toe looks looks like a "thumbs up" symbol:

getting into, under, and behind everything:

and those eyes, which just kill me everytime...

your little chicklet teeth, which came in early at 4 months and have been non-stop ever since...

grabbing everything down,

pulling everything out:

your sweet li'l birthday suit:

(your dad thinks your smile is like Calvin's from Calvin and Hobbes, so we got out the book to compare.)

i love you, keats. every day. for the rest of my life. and then some.

thank you for coming into our family.

 

xxo

 

Life Lessons from a Toddler

As I am striving to slow down, be present and soak in all of this time with my Littles, I find that I'm at my best when I follow her lead... when I stop the whirlwind of To-Do lists and mental clutter, and just be present.  My toddler does this so well, and everyday reminds me:

Slow down.
Be Present. 
Stop trying to do so much, but whatever you are doing, do it fully....
Then move on.
And when you are feeling overwhelmed, or tired, or 'hongy' (her word for hungry)?  

Simply grab an orange, sit on the floor, and take in the wonder outside your window.

I guarantee it will be the best moment of your day. 

xxo

WOO HOO I'M IN KINDERGARDEN!

big days around here... KINDERGARTEN officially starts this week! 

satine can't wait to be in "big school" and to have homework like the big kids do. (hate to disappoint her, but i don't think she'll have much homework in kindergarten, but hey, a girl can dream, right?) so we are winding down from Summer and ramping up for Fall. but one thing we're not ramping up for and that's "back to school shopping" for a new school wardrobe. which brings me to my point: 

one day over the summer satine was in this dress above. i bought it from here and it's been great, we've gotten a lot of life out of it.  she loves this dress-- it's her go-to.  and even though i bought it for a special ocassion, i love that she wears it wherever, whenever.  i'm not precious about it and neither is she. if i were, she'd only get to wear it once and then it'd be too small.  besides, there's something precious in itself --and awesome!-- about the dichotomy of her wearing a lovely, silky dress while collecting bugs, playing with catepillars, and doing cartwheels in the grass.  

but i digress.  so one day satine is wearing this dress and she announces, "hey mom! maybe i can wear this dress to the first day of school!  well, i said, probably not, because at your school they wear uniforms.

did you hear that people? uniforms. holy cuteness.

now, i confess that as a kid, i hated uniforms.  hated them in all their creativity-restricting-imprisonment. not that i wore them myself, i just looked with pity upon  those poor souls forced to wear them. oh foolish me.  i must have somehow missed those sweet peter pan collars, those awesome little jumpers, those knee high socks that just scream childhood. i seriously can't stop oohing and aahing at the sweetness of it. 

if i can get satine to sit still long enough for a photo, i'll try to post a pic of the uniform after school starts. but for now, here's to dressing up!

 

KEATON, 3 MONTHS

Oh, little one, you've charmed us with your ways...

you are strong now, and you are drooling! you can flip over now and love your tummy time.

you wake up with a smile, a coo, and a laugh every morning... and i love that your happy little face is the first thing i see when i awake.

you are starting to look more and more like your daddy. i think he's pretty stoked about that, and with your handsome li'l face who can blame him?

your sisters absolutely adore you, as do i.  although navia doesn't know the strength of her hugs, and she's made you cry more than a few times with her, um, love pats. sorry about that.  

navia has dubbed you:  "Bah-yeee" (her attempt at "buddy").  it's so cute how she says it, that we all call you that now. Bahyee.    

thank you for coming into our little family.  can't imagine me without you.

 

some self portraits of me and keats...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MY LIFE IN A INSTAGRAM (april/may)

been a while since i've gone through my IG pics... life is so full, and so superfast for everyone these days that it's hard to get the full impact of the amazingness of a life, all of these wonderful moments, except for in reflection. anyone else feel like that? like, you know it's pretty cool, this moment you're living in...  maybe it measures a 6 on a 1-10 scale.  but in reflection, it's somehow become a 10.5 moment. i dunno, maybe that's just me. but that's why i love looking back on all these pictures... so that i can more fully feel that tenderness, that sweetness, that beauty and joy of life. soak it in a little more fully... (except that my littles are growing up so fast it make me wanna cry! sniff sniff!)

i think most of these are from end of april/may, starting from when Keats came home. and if it weren't for having a camera in my back pocket (the one on my phone) i would've probably forgotten these already. sigh. thank you iphone.

hope you are having a good week!

xxo

FROM NEW SERIES I'M WORKING ON... // sneak peek

WHY I'VE BEEN OFF THE RADAR

INTRODUCING
KEATON EDWARDS STORER
APRIL 23, 2012
9 LBS 11 OZ
 

i can't believe it's taken me this long to mention it here on the blog, but on April 23, i had the wonderful pleasure of meeting my son, Keaton. Born two weeks early, he came in a tangle of surprise, joy, calm, emergency, tears, fears, prayers, laughter and of course, love.  Doctors predicted a May 6th due date, but when the stir of contractions began on the 22nd, it wasn't long before Keats became the fourth person in our family born on the 23rd of the month. pretty cool. must be my lucky number.

so now he's here... my perfect little guy, and the final installment of the Edwards-Storer progeny.  Our family is now complete and me and the Mister couldn't be happier. We feel beyond blessed, especially after the few scares I had during this pregnancy and even during the delivery itself.  I just thank God that he is here safe, sound, and healthy.

So if you've noticed the even more sporadic posting, or if i owe you an email or a phone call, that's why. three. little. small. tiny people. living in my house. i'm still in joyfull bliss and shock i think... and incredibly behind on all things in my life that don't involve changing diapers and feeding.  

But now that I've got three kids -- including a one a half year old and a newborn... i am officially on maternity leave!  because let's face it:  three kids is no joke!  it'salottawork!  not so easy to pull late night editing sessions when you are already exhausted from all-night babythons :)    I'm not sure for how long, exactly... i'm sort of feeling my way through this... but I did clear my calendar of all weddings for 2012 and will only be accepting a very limited number of portrait and children's sessions later in the year.  

i want to be PRESENT, to slow down, to focus on my family and really cherish these next few months.

but here's the other truth: as much as i love being a mom, and as much as i feel SO MUCH HAPPIER when i'm present  in my own life (rather than exhausted and overextended), it's hard to let go of work that i love so much.  i'd be lying if i said there haven't already been countless times since maternity leave that i have been crushed to have to turn down so many amazing jobs... but i am just following my heart and trusting that this is the right move for me/my family, and that work will be there when it's time to work again.

and my goal is that during this time, i will be able to finally get around to editing and framing some of my own family photos (i feel a bit like the cobbler with no shoes: i've hardly any family photos up in my house because i've had no time to edit through them!), as well as working on the numerous personal shoots/projects that have been spinning in my head forever.

so that's it. just a heads up that it might take me a bit longer to return emails and phone calls... that you won't see too many weddings posted here for the rest of the year, but i am excited about what the future holds and how this time of transition will transform me and my photography!

In the meantime, if you would like to book a shoot please get in touch -- I do have some amazing associate photographers and I would love to help you out.

thanks and happy weekend!

xxo

my life in an Insta-gram

one of the downsides about working as a photographer, is that i hardly ever want to pull out my "big camera," (as it's become known around my house) to take photos of my own life when we're just hanging out. and isnt' that when the best photo ops occur?  as soon as that black beast is in my hands, i'm in "work" mode  and out of the moment that inspired me to want to take the photo in the first place.

thank goodness for iPhone + Instagram. 

here are some highlights from the past month or so:

- satine lost her first tooth -- and a second one 2 days later!  
- the bun in the oven is cooking away. i'm 32 weeks now.
- navia grace is 15 months, more and more engaged and alert and curious with wonder about every. single. thing. and such a sweetpea. 

are you on Instagram? come find me & say hello. my username is:  charleystar
Let's connect! 

DON'T FORGET TO DREAM // kids + family session

be quiet, and learn the whispers of your soul... 
for that's where dreams are born.

 

 

 

 

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that goes for you too, dreamer.  

for ME, too, i should say... been feelin a little out of sorts lately. 

think i need some quiet time to stare off into the mist, to listen to the silence and reconnect to those quiet stirrings inside that make me feel centered, purposeful and on track.

hopefully that's just what the weekend will bring.

hope you are enjoying your day.

xxo

 

 

perfect days look a li'l something like this

remember when you were a kid and you could spend hours upon hours at the seashore?  perfect days, right?

if you're trying to reach me, i'm out of town for a little bit, doing exactly that...watching my daughter chasing waves, running from waves, and letting the sand fall though our fingertips...

 

hope you are enjoying + and soaking up the last days of summer.

 

xxo

 

 

'Til Death Do Us Part

Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

-Psalm 90:12

 

Tears.

Tears to proclaim my love as much as to proclaim my sorrow.

Tears to cleanse, tears to remember. Tears just because you feel like weeping, or you don't know what else to do. Tears because you think, irrationally, that if you cry deeply enough, you can hold on, you can bring him back.  Tears because in the middle of some laughter or distraction, some small tenderness of the past creeps in, catches you off guard and says to you: Oh, Yes.  This is real. This is not a dream. He is gone...  and you remember the wonderful man that your father was.  And what he did for you. And what he meant to you.  And you are crushed. All over again.

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This has been my life for the last month.

My father passed away on Monday, April 18th, 2011.

A month ago today. It still startles me, even now.

And yes, in between the weeping, there has been sweetness, tender memories, the kindness of friends.  There has been tears of laughter, and immense gratitude for who my father was and that I was lucky enough to have him in my life for as long as I did. 

But it is a new reality now, for my Mom, my sister and I.  A reality with a gaping hole. 

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I know this is a heavy post for (what has become) a "professional" blog. But it's always been personal, too.  I considered not writing about it, the passing of my father.  Mainly, I don't want what I write here to serve as some complete encapsulation of who he was to me, or how i feel about his passing...for I will never be able to put into words all the nuances of this tranformational event.  But to not acknowledge it at all seemed disingenuous. And I think writing about it is somewhat carthatic, so thank you for allowing me to indulge that need...

I've been thinking about how to translate this...  how do I learn and grow and do something positive with this?  And can I pass along anything to others who have yet to lose a parent or loved one?  I don't know. I'm not sure I have enough distance to offer anything useful to myself, let alone anyone else.  Besides, in the end, everyone will face this aspect of life and will need to deal with it in their own time and way.

BUT... I will say.. that I am SO SO grateful for the memories I have, and that some of those memories are captured in photographs, how healing its been to have them to look at.

This past Christmas my Dad came out to meet my new baby girl, Navia.  Since the whole fam was here, we wanted to take some photos.  My friend and photographer Roman Cho graciously came over to take them. We all wanted the end result of having the photos, but I can't say that any of us were that enthused about the process of actually taking them. Non of us really felt like doing it... we'd have rathered been Christmas lounging.  But we dragged our feet and did it, much to Roman's encouragement.  And thankfully so, because none of us knew just how cherished these photos would become. 

 



I'm reminded of my friend Deb's post about this... that there never is a perfect time, and it's ALWAYS the perfect time.

Those photos are now the last photos I have of my father, and the last photos we have of our family together. I would be heartsickened had I thought about taking the photos, and hadn't made it happen.  {Thank you, Roman.} 

And during the services, we used a photo that Annie McElwain had taken of my dad years ago.... I'd always loved the photo, but now it had taken on a new level of importance. Annie captured the gentle essence of my father perfectly . I'm so grateful to her that I have these photos.

And I hope this doesn't come out wrong or inappropriate or like a sales tactic. It's not. I'm just saying. Grab your point and shoot. Grab your cell phone camera. Anything.  Just capture some memories while you still can....

The second thing that I'm reminded of... being that I primarily shoot weddings... is the phrase from the traditional wedding vows:  "Til Death Do Us Part."

'Til Death...

Do us part.

Whether you are a spouse, a child, sister, brother, friend... with all of our relationships... it's NOW until DEATH, and we never know how short or long that period will be. So how are we using our time? How loving are we being within our relationships? I know I'm certainly not living every day like it's my last.

My Mom and Dad were happily wed for 45 years.  Maybe there were some small bumps in the road, but for the most part what I witnessed was love, devotion, committment, friendship, loyalty, dependability, partnership.  In my eulogy of my Dad, I talked about how Mom and Dad still kissed like high school sweethearts... so much so that it was kinda embarrassing sometimes. 

But so much of the wedding industry (self included) stresses the wedding DAY. the details, the design, the dress, the photos.  So very little attention is given to the VOWS that you are making.  What are you actually COMMITTING to?? What does it MEAN to be a wife-- a great wife? or a great husband? And then, most importantly, how to continue nurturing and developing your marraige? I would love to see more attention devoted to this aspect.

An enduring love.

So I'm left asking myself, how can I love better? I've thought countless times about myself as a mother (how to be a better one), but probably not as much as I should about how can I be a better wife/partner/friend/supporter to my husband? And how can I be a better me, in general, in all of my relationships?

So many wonderful things were said to me about me Dad... he was such a good man... such a good father... such a good husband... such a good friend. He was so honest and had so much integrity.... I know I was so blessed to have him for all the years I did and, when not in my darkest hours, I am comforted by that.  And I'm inspired to do better, be better: more kind, more gentle, more loving, more true. 

I love you, Dad.

And I pray that I can make you proud.

 

a strange, tender sensation

Sabrina

 

a quarter of 2011 is almost gone.  i can't believe it.

i've been a bit MIA on the blog (as well as facebook and twitter), floating through the days, mostly lost in this, but also just trying to balance it all, cut down on the noise (no time), trying to be more present to the tasks at hand -- be it family, client, a shoot, or just the day to day tasks of running a business (or a home).

with all the devastation in japan, the incredible loss... it has left me feeling my own mortality in a way i never ever have. my heart has ached for their loss and celebrated each small triumph.   then i watched this movie (have you seen it? great, but depressing), and it echoed the sentiment about the fragility of life and scarcity of time..

i'm left in an ethereal state, accutely aware of life's haunting tenderness... aching beauty... sorrowful preciousness.

it's a strange, tender sensation. 

you never know what tomorrow will bring.

hug somebody. hold them tight.

i can't hold my girls tight enough, appreciate my husband deep enough, see my parents, my sister, often enough.  time is so short. i've been feeling that so profoundly lately. 

take the beauty in.

i met with a new client this week, a bride and groom, and all i could notice was the way he looked at her when he talked to her. i wish i'd had my camera to capture that glow, that love, that adoration beaming from his eye.

at a location scout a woman scoffed how she hated having her picture taken, who's the grump? she said after seeing the test shot of herself, and all i could see was her beautiful glow, her aged gracefulness looking dead ahead into my lens, her clear strong spirit shining through.

i had 2 maternity shoots in the last 2 weeks-- two beautiful mothers carrying 3 babies.   two of them, twin boys, are now out in the world already, beginning their journey anew...

then i met this bright spirit, Sabrina.  She'd commisioned me to shoot fun, whimsical, ethereal portraits of her for her new website. sabrina is the kind of girl, that, you can tell, makes her little path in the world a little bit brighter.  i like her.  i loved photographing her -- we had so much fun!

the shot above is one of my faves. it makes me feel happy, and hopeful. :)

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hope life is being kind and gentle to you today...

xxo

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P.S. for anyone wanting to still donate, or donate more, for japan, consider this photography community's response, LIFE SUPPORT JAPAN, organized by the amazing Aline Smithson and Christa Dix (and pick up a fantastic print by some amazing photographers), or check out FOR JAPAN WITH LOVE, organized by the incredible girls of Utterly Engaged and Ever Ours.

 

Friendship /// The Sleepover {second place winner}

The Sleepover

 

a couple of months ago, satine's friend, ocean, came for a sleepover.  when it was time for bed, i asked them if they wanted to sleep together in satine's bed, or if I should make a pallet on the floor for ocean to sleep in so they could both have their own 'bed.'  they both insisted on sleeping together in satine's toddler bed.

after the requisite talking and giggling from behind the closed door had died down and i'd heard nothing but silence for a sufficient amount of time, i tiptoed in to check on them... and quickly scurried out to go grab my camera! take a look at that sweet tenderness i found-- it was too precious not to capture!

when i learned that the uber-talented duo, deb and leah, of wallflower friends, were holding a photo contest with a FRIENDSHIP theme, i immediately went to find these yet-to-be-edited photos, and got to work so that i could submit to the contest (and hopefully win myself a new lensbaby to replace my recently broken one). :)

and... YAY, my image won second place! ;) 

thanks deb and leah!

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ps.  if you are a photographer that has been thinking about attending a workshop... if you are looking for some inspiration and creative rejuvenation, check out deb and leah's wallflower friends retreat!  these two ladies create beautiful, beautiful images, so i can only imagine that their workshop will be full of inspiration and creative juiciness! i think there is only a day or two to register for their winter retreat, so hurry! check it here.

xxo

Reflection

Self Portrait, 2010

in the spirit of reflection and year's end and all that, i decided to do a self-portrait.

i guess this is who i am in the moment.

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Happy New Year everyone. To a prosperous and joyous 2011!  cheers~

xxo

Happy Holidays!

MERRY CHRISTMAS + HAPPY NEW YEAR!

and just a quick note to anyone that reads this blog, and to all of my clients,  friends, vendors, and all the amazing people I've worked with and all the new rad people i met through my photography this year:  THANKS!  It's been a great year and i've been so grateful for the support, inspiration, encouragement and FUN! Looking forward to 2011...

Merry Merry!

home life /// the sunday sessions

sunday mornings.

snuggling in.

home life.

something about these three things together rate as one of my all time favorite things.  in the early morning light, my daughter comes crawling into bed with us, squeezing and squirming her way in between me and her dad (and now her sister, too), finding her rightful place in this family dynamic. with eyes still closed, my arms reach out and guide her into the snuggle fest.  tired as i may be, especially now with the nighttime nursing marathon, i know that these are those times... the times when memories are being formed... the times that, when they're grown, i'll remember with such sentiment that it'll bring me to tears i'll cherish it so.

and as i lay there absorbing all this amazingness that is my family -- as im sure you feel about your family -- i hugged and snuggled my daughters, and my husband, and i rejoiced in their glow, and i willed myself to open my eyes, and put my feet on the floor, and go grab my camera...

so that i wouldn't forget.

so that i wouldn't take for granted the specialness of this time:

the beginning bonds of sisterhood...

the curl of her body...

the sleepy, tired, handsome face of my husband...



the complexity of this child that i discover anew each day...

and the discoveries awaiting me in this one...


i reached for my camera so that i could fall in love again and again and again....

and could forever cherish the landscape of her face

and the joy de vivre beaming from hers....

and her dirty feet and goofy smile and her delicious heart and her pride at being a sister... and the angelic Navia who makes my heart burst from tenderness...

i reached for my camera so i could discover the new dynamic of my family... and because it was warm beneath the covers, and it was sunday morning, and the light was coming in just so....  and i knew in 2 months, or 2 years, or 2 decades, i would need to remember this particular morning on this particular day during this particular time.

xxo

 

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CALL OR EMAIL FOR DETAILS.

213. 278. 9656 /// hello@charleystarphoto.com

[once wed] :: georgia and alfred part 1

 

with an early morning trek into the desert with paige and kelly for our once wed photoshoot inspired by alfred and georgia, i was captivated by the magical light falling over the vast, serene landscapes of the cayuma valley... had to give these treasures their own post today...  more images of the wedding tablescape to come...

see the full story in 4 parts here.

Love Letter to LA

a photo dairy, Feb 14, 2010

Heart

Roadside


Crossing


Pinecones


Weed/Butt



Park


Crumpled Hearts

 

Madison

Hiding

Lick



Slide


Untitled



Valentine


Rolling


Shoes


Satine


Tree


Trees

Freeway Roadside

 

Mantras for a New Tomorrow

i love how new year's has that wonderful power to create psychological shifts, like something has changed, even though, tangibly, probably nothing has changed from 11:59 pm, 2009 to 12 midnight, 2010. we still have all of our same problems and stresses and yet, somehow, gloriously, the midnight bell not only rings in a new year, but a sense of liberation,  empowerment and a renewed vigor to create the life we want. we can start anew. we can choose to bring with us into 2010 the things we want, and leave behind in oh-nine the things we don't. 

i usually like to spend a chunk of time in self-reflection at the end of the year, consciously considering last year and setting some intentions for the new year. i haven't had time to do that this year.  i was crazy busy right up until and through the holidays and so thought about these things in 60 second clips while brushing my teeth or cooking or waiting on an edit to render...

so, in the spirit of reflection, here is my list, all jumbled together -- a mantra of things i want to bring with me, and some i want to leave behind. i will leave it to you to decipher which is which. :)   this is the list of some things i did well, and some i did not so well and am listing as a lesson reminder... some things that are just beginning to blossom that i want to nurture in 2010...  some observations that might get me where i want to go, some mistakes i made that definitely won't.  some things i thought i'd already "achieved" but now realize my understanding or application of these things was limited, and not as deep or as profound as it needs to be... i'm sure i'll think of more as i ponder these in the weeks to come, but for now, this is where i'm at.

and to 2009, i say: THANK YOU. thank you for all the wonderful things in my life that took root and blossomed. thank you to all my wonderful clients and amazing vendors i was able to work with, and everyone who supported and encouraged me. thank you for the daily inspiration and joy that is my daughter. thank you for family, and for heart-warming friendships, both new and old. thank you for all the elements of my life that transformed or are beginning to transform from "surviving" into "thriving." i am looking forward to an explosion of goodness in 2010!

and to all the elements that did not transform, to all the challenges and bumps in the road of 2009, i thank you, too, for the lessons learned (and thanks my husband for journeying with me and surviving the challenges). but now, dear challenges, your time has come. it's the end of the road. i am leaving you behind in oh-nine. goodbye, good riddance, and bring on The New and Improved!

wishing everyone a joyful and prosperous new year!

xxo,
charleystar

thoughts about my daughter.

(click to enlarge)

>> ===== >> ===== >> ===== >>

THINGS I WANT TO TEACH MY DAUGHTER.
   these are the things that come to mind now.

* believe in magic.

* dream big.

* courage.

* honesty.

* be kind.

* trust yourself. respect too. discipline. fun.

* know God. there is no other version other than "your version," because that's the only one whose whispers you can hear. listen.

* let your Soul live it's journey. get out of your own way.

* live from the Heart.

(i'm sure tomorrow there will be a new list.)

 

PICS FROM SATINE'S PARTY

it's hard to take pictures at your own party... but i did manage to get a few keepers, mostly in the beginning when only a few people were there...  was so good to see all our friends who came out. thanks for making the day special for satine. (and me! :) )

 

via mackin ink

learning to see.

Satine with Ball

my life has been so unbalanced lately, no rest time, no rejuvenation time, no reflection time.  i feel i've stopped seeing, i've stopped soaking in the moments. work has been great and steady, which i'm grateful for, but has completely taken over my life -- not just my work time, but what former downtime i've had.. for this and other reasons, myself and my marriage has taken a hit.  we've had no time for each other. i've had no time for myself.  we're stressed and overworked.  we have to take time to care for ourselves and each other. 

it's been hard, but we are finding our way and stepping forward with a new understanding, a new gentleness, a better care, and a stronger vision. the balance is coming... but when i am in that space sometimes, in the rapture + struggle of my drama, i will happen upon a moment that stops me in my tracks, that breaks my internal boiling reverie (which is where i've been lately, churning it over, working it out, holding on and getting hard and sinking into a space i didn't really want to be but couldn't find the way out when there are other parties involved) and demands that i put down my baggage, tuck my sad sap story of hurt away, and choose once again to be in awe of what i have, these small treasures of living, to let it go, to take life on all of its messy wonderful intriguing complicated fronts and begin to see again, to find the richness of the moment, to trust -- in myself, in the moment, in each other, to trust that all this internal churning i've been doing lately is a sort of spiritual skin-shedding, a re-processing, a way to keep equilibrium, and Authenticity.

breathe deep, and the moment will save you. if i truly see, if i really discover, and awaken to that one small moment of wonder and awe right in front of me.... everything unnecessary  melts away and all i am left with is all that i need. not the anger. not the stress. not the hurt. it can change my perspective in an instant, and i can reconstruct my story. it's like i've learned to see again. satine is the one thing to always do this for me, to lead me back to the path...

(the image above is from a new Satine series i'm working on.)

and this, the brilliance of bedtime now:  she tells me stories, every night, after i read to her.

here, a monster burps up a little girl.

Download 20090916_8 47 PM_satine tells story once upon a time monster burps lil girl

and here, satine sings in the bath.

Download 20090925 200446_satine sings in bath

new poem, revised, and in process.

i'm not sure where to post these types of things anymore. it seems my blog has become less personalized, as of late, as it should be i guess, because work needs its own space. but this blog was started as a personal project, and then it merged with work. and eventually, after wedding season, i will begin the process of a professional blog for photography, and keep this for more personal musings. in the meantime.... the two will continue to live here, together.  wrote this one a few months ago, recently revised. think it needs another pass but here it is for now...

(click to enlarge)

beachy.

.

good bye summer.  the first sprinkling of cooler weather arrived today. feels good. soothing.

>>> this shot from yesterday, after i photographed an event at the beach, i grabbed a couple for myself...

happy sunday everyone.

xxo.

summer nights.

from the project i'm editing now... sneak peak coming soon.

 

sea.

Sea, Santa Monica, CA. 
July 29, 2009.

beautiful days.

this image makes me want to go camping-- in a yellow polka dot tent!

happy summer everyone!

[image via la la lovely, via country living.]

today. "Cry Mommy, Cry!"

today was full of dramatic play: i watched my lovely husband flying a helicopter around the train set, making up stories with satine of how the helicopter had to make an emergency landing for maintenance, and satine "driving" the train cars out of the way to make room...   them 'fixing' the helicopter and negotiating traffic conditions on the train set/village.

but that type of play is semi-regular now that she's getting older.  what was different, or new, was the level of dramatic play she initiated with me, out of the blue:

she put her butterfly wings on and says:  'mom you cry an i fly away, o-KAA-EE?!  (this is how she says ok, with an excited lilt and urgency to the 'kay').

What?  "You want me to cry and you're going to fly away?" 

"Yea, you cry an i fly away, o-KAA-EE?!"

"OK", i say, as i chopped the sweet potatoes. i was making dinner.

"Cry, mommy!" she calls from the other room.

i fake a cry.  "waa-uhh-aah-uhh!... don't leave me, butterfly, dont' fly away!" i exclaim.   she runs the circle from the dining room back into the kitchen, and then throws her arms around my legs, her face an utter delight.  "Oh my goodness my butterfly's returned!" i exclaim, scooping her up and kissing her all over.

"OK, you cry an i fly way, uhKAY?!!"  Her face looks like it is going to pop with enthusiasm.

"Buhuuuhhhauuaha..."   i do a big, fake dramatic cry.  Again, she circles the dining room. This time i chase her, but she can't contain her excitement and ends up turning and running back towards me.  We hug and kiss in exaggerated delight.  

"OK, you cry an i fly way, uhKAA-EE?!!" and we repeat the game.

And repeat again, with another variation.
And another.

I realize this is going to go on for some time. 

Now the sweet potatoes are baking in the oven and i've moved on to the mustard greens in between tears and thrills of delight at her return.  "Cry, Mommy, cry!"   This time, i conjur up my acting chops and do a 'real' cry -- not so dramatic, so fake, but more of the soft, silent tears, the way it would happen naturally.  Mainly because i figure it'll expend less energy -- this was tiring! -- and because, well, hey, to see if i still could.  But because she is in the other room, she can't hear this or see the subtle moves of my body.

"Cry Mommy!" she squeals.

"WAAAA-uhaaaaahhhh-uuhhhaaaAAAAAAAAA!" i bemoan fakely. "Don't go, buttefly! don't go, come back...!"  and within seconds she is back at my legs, her bright face beaming up at mine to say, "i've returned. here i am. aren't you so happy?"

now, the foreshadowing of all this is not lost on me.  i flash to her first sleep over, summer camp, college, moving to the other side of the world to pursue a job, a boy, a whim, a dream, a life... when she will leave happily and i will be left with a gaping sorrowful hole in my heart,  and her returns will get further and further apart.  but i push that thought aside and continue the game while trying to get dinner on the table.

"Now you be da buttafwy an iw'll cwy, o-KAA-EE?!"

"OK." i say and put the wings on. 

"Ready?" she asks.  "Ready!" i say, and scoot off, flapping my arm wings.

she stands in the kitchen, her little plump body in that perfect toddler stand-slump, her head slightly bowed, and says with the utmost spot-on conviction and utterly genuine cry of longing and sorrow:  {crying moan}  "i waaant my buttafwyyyyyyyy.... i waaant my buttafwy...."

DA-YUM, i thought. She's good! 

ok, maybe that's me projecting because i am (was?) an actress.. but i have to admit that it simultaneously impressed and terrified me that she may be a really good actor-- or more specifically, that she may want to pursue it as a career.  and then all of my own judgments and disappointments about that particular business come tumbling into my head -- and i know  i have to push those aside too, that this is merely a game of fun, that even if she DOES choose to pursue acting -- or whatever it is -- that i will have to contain my own worries or fears in favor of allowing her her own dreams, and mistakes, and success.

And so,

i stuff those thoughts away too -- but not before feeling EXACTLY the way my mother probably felt at my own choice to live on the other side of the country, to pursue a particularly... challenging... career in acting before giving it up --

and, with arm-wings flitting, i fly back into the kitchen, and kneel down at my little girl's slumped over body... and she hugs me.. and kisses me... and tells me she's glad i'm home.

xxo

wishing mom a happy birthday!

 

happy birthday, mom! wish we could be there but sending you lots of love from me, nahch and tini! xxo.

43 years.

and counting....
thanks mom + dad!  .....

                        happy anniversary!

                                                   

xxo

*                 

my parents got married in 1965.
they were young.
20. 29.
he loved her.
she loved him.
simple.
done.

                       

what's to wait for when you're the one?

note on back

they'd been married one year. new love. it's hard to imagine our parents like this, goofy in knee-buckling love, but i can imagine mine. their love was evident, all through my childhood.  i imagine this time to be one of their most carefree, and happiest.  newly adult and together in the world, 1st home, feeling good, before kids.  they were any young newlywed, with their whole lives ahead of them...

and from this state, sprang 43 years.   they are still together, still going strong, still in love. last time i was home they kissed so much i found myself blushing.  but that's not to say it was all peaches n cream.  growing up, we had some doozies.  fighting and screaming, doors slamming and people leaving to blow off steam. 

i've had my own share of those doozies. fights with my husband that leave my shaking and vulnerable, where you're both tired or stressed and someone says a wrong thing, a word gets twisted or comes out twisted, and you're both charging to be right or understood or adored...    or to get the other person to peer out from your side of the mountain but they won't see the world from your view... and you go from precious-intimate-loving-security- to what-happened-and-who-are-you-oh-you're-my-enemy-insecurity....    those kind of fights. they're rare, sure... but one or two of these can leave you wilted, even if infrequent.

as a child, i hated to see my parents fight. as all kids do.  it was awful.  and again, not that they did it all the time, but as a kid, this kinda stuff is really upsetting. so they'd fight. dad'd leave the house for however long, a few hours, and i remember wondering if he was going to come back. which my mom never seemed concerned about because she knew he would, this was nothing, nothing finite, just two people learning how... to merge... with each other.

and to not run.

to not give up.

to turn,

slowly,

into the void,

and say:  I DO.

TO YOU.

I AM YOURS.
ALWAYS.
FOREVER.

                                       

Love Me,
                                               
                                                        Please,
                                                               
                                                                    Love Me.

*     *     *     *     *

thanks, mom + dad, for showing me the way. 
the road to another's heart is beautiful beautiful beautiful...
i love you love you love you...

authenticity

                Everything

is beautiful.
Everything is poetic.

This is not sentiment. But Fact.
Maybe Anger.

*

                       There izz 

no difference

between the personal
and the political.

*

My Mother is a gale-force wind
Mistaken for a breeze.

*

                        Authenticity
is the bridge.

*

Identity Politics:

American Hero. Deliverer. Savior. Gender-Equalizer. Racial Healer. Redemption.
PreserverOfMyWayOfLife. Progress. Hope. TheRightThing. American Dream.

Regression. ThreatToMyWayOfLife. TheWrongDirection. TheWrongChange.

*

Oh, Nation.

Oh, Mother.

Oh, Leader.

      

                 Oh, God.



                                (ThankYou    ThankYou    ThankYou    ThankYou    ThankYou
                                       BlessUs           BlessUs        BlessUs        BlessUs        BlessUs)