charley star photo

satine at two.

               
                    We are glowing

in the dark


she in her crib me on the chair typing in the blackness a laptop
to illuminate her

making pig faces, and snorting at me. It is beautiful. We are
hilarious.

She calls out letters, names, numbers.

Again! Again!
            with snorts and oinks, the purposeful – such purpose! --  attempts
to engage to play to summon from my belly a sign
of her success--

and she is good--

and my laughter billows—

and then, a spark, and I unfold
into the knowing:

                        it is  a long year from yesterday,

                        and again she is new,

                                         she has discovered, she is glowing

                              in the dark.

*

xxo,
charleystar

satine: "honk, honk!"

               It is difficult
to get the news from poems
     yet men die miserably every day
               for lack
of what is found there.
                    --Asphodel, that Greeny Flower

*

before i was pregnant, i felt like 'the muse' was visiting often. my creative juices were flowing. i was writing a lot. poems seemed to spring out of the air. ideas were everywhere. in acting, i felt more and more.... open and effortless.

then i got pregnant.
and it all stopped.

to be honest, it kinda freaked me out. like, what if it doesn't come back? who will i be then? who will i be anway, as a mother?  i honestly had no idea what motherhood would be like, what was waiting for me on the other side of "due date."

blah blah blah. the point is, i had to surrender to where i was, and just trust that i was opening up to something greater.  even if 'the muse' never visited again, and i never wrote or acted or painted or did anything except change diapers the rest of my life.

the fact is that pregnancy/motherhood is like starting a new job (yes, an understatement i know but go with me here).  and like we all know, you can feel a little shaky the first few months of something brand new. even though you may love your job... it still takes a while to get into a confident groove, and with motherhood you're still trying to figure out not only HOW to do the job, but WHO YOU ARE in this new role. 

and as i mentioned here, i'm still not sure what it is, if anything, i am supposed to be focusing on now, outside of mothering.  but i do know that i'm learning to trust myself more. to trust in the process --- something i spent years studying in acting but motherhood taught me in 9 months of pregnancy. to just go day by day following my instincts + my heart, and trust that i will end up where am i supposed to end up, nurturing those things that i was meant to nurture and grow.

but i am happy to report that i have been working on some new poems lately, which i will soon record and maybe post one or 2 here.  (yes, i am a closet poet.)

but for inspiration, i have been loving this.  Check out Seph Rodney's video of Nick and the Candlestick.
thanks shari!

hope you find some inspiration today.
xxo
 

i do not yet know who i want to be
at the end of my days

i do not yet know what role
i will say i should've played
looking back upon my life.

i do not know if i am good
at making poems or art or cookies or money
i know only
that it doesn't matter.
the mattering
is in the opening and flowing, the giving
and receiving of this thing called ME,
this thing called YOU