charley star photo

Nature Hike

 

We were together.
I forget the rest.

                                         -Whitman 

 

iPhone:

 hike: mt. baldy, southern california

SCHOOL / HOMESCHOOL

We spent a glorious month back east this summer (photos to come), but have now settled back home and into the school routine.  thankfully, this school year is a much smoother start for Satine than last year. It's pretty awesome, in fact.  I'm so relieved! Satine loves her teacher and is in the same class as many of her friends. Happy child, happy mama.

Instagram pic: First day of 3rd Grade

This is actually Navia and Keats on their last day of preschool this past summer... 

HOMESCHOOLING

For Navia and Keats, we're switching things up this year-- I've decided to homeschool them.  For a while now, I have felt a stirring in my heart to homeschool.   I have been praying about and waiting on timing.... and this year, the cards just aligned and for various reasons the homeschooling thing just kind of fell into place.   And what better way to warm up to homeschooling than in preschool, right?

So, for now, my kids have delighted in saying "yes, Teacher."  OK, Teacher," even though I tell them they can still call me Mommy. They are having fun with it.

I have been reading, researching, and planning...  I want them to have an enriched year where they learn through play.   I'm not sure if this will be a short or long term thing,  we'll see.

We had a slow ramp up, a sort of  "soft opening" of school for us to kind of test the waters and try some things out.  I have been doing it for about two weeks now.  So far, so good.  I know this will be a huge growth year for me and I am enjoying being this PRESENT and FOCUSED with my children. I am also exhausted from being this present and focused with my children! :)

I have loose plans about how I want the first of the year to go (still planning the rest of it out) and I know things will morph as we go along and I learn what is working and what is not.  I am trying to stay in a state of trust and openness.  I think homeschool already has and will continue to improve my mothering as much as my "teaching" will "improve" them.  I have already wondered if God put these whisperings in my heart because **I** needed this change as much as my children needed it.

Wish me luck!

xxo 

 

Road Trip

 

Road trips.

the empty time, the road, the endless pavement churning 
underneath, 
minds exploring depths of a book, the skip
of a song,
road-trip games, the aimless staring out windows
and just like that, poof, your thoughts
are gone, untethered, 
floating up and out, right through the panes, over 
the cars, the passer-bys, the outstretched 
highways, up, up, 
into the formless sky, 
the open land.  

you are free.

 

 / / / 

isn't this why we love roadtrips? the destination, yes, but the journey, too--this unplugged time in the car for our minds to float away, for our thoughts to unfurl? 

i don't usually photograph in the car-- not the most inspired environs-- but felt compelled to, this trip.
we were taking Nahch kayaking for Father's Day, so photographing the destination wasn't possible (camera + water = no bueno) or even the point.  we spend so much of our time as a family in the car, i wanted to document it. 

as i took the photos, my own childhood road trips percolated to the surface: road trip games with my sis of counting graveyards or cows in the fields.  the landscape was different then:  Southern, verdant, open fields. in my children's urban views, they would forever remain at point zero waiting to spot a cow out the window.  so we count different things. but the tradition and sentiment remain:  the family stories, the song-singing, my sister correcting all my "megan-isms" when i would mistake the lyrics.  and if i doubted the generational link, i hear satine in the back, confirming it for me as she corrected navia, "that's not how it goes, navia, that's not what the song says..."  

i remember the empty time to let my mind wander and wonder, to think of nothing and everything... i love my children having the same. it is why I will endure a thousand "i'm bored's" and refuse a screen in their faces, because i know ten minutes in, the open road will deliver it's own form of sweet nothingness, and sweet everything.

the southern california freeway uncurls before us, its flaccid gray-brown stretched out in criss-crossed tentacles to carry us forward, a mother octopus swimming in a sea of terrible roadside attractions: billboards, rambling cars, the urban, industrial bleakness...  yet from behind the lens, my sight for this "ugly" landscape was reinvigorated.  it hit me anew in fresh detail: the rounded, bulbous form of a bridge, the perfect grid of boxcars, the sturdy dignity of a fence, the organic form of a barbed wire.  

could there possibly be beauty in this bleakness, in this mundane urban detritus?  maybe. i guess that is in the eye of the beholder... you will have to decide for yourself as you view the photos below.   but really, finding beauty is not the point, either-- it is in the search for it, it is in the act of trying to see, anew.  shoot it, don't embellish it, then stand in the face of it, and see if it's enough. (uh...hello, metaphor for life.)

the beauty is in connecting the dots from my childhood, to theirs. beauty is in the unfolding into the day, into the open road. 

i reach across to hold my husband's hand. he squeezes back, and we settle into a melodious silence, a mellowed richness beyond thinking.  we are open.  we are free.

 

Songs for Roadtripping

 

This Man

Toes / Cone / Play Money

Toes wrapped around the headrest / Satine reading

Box Cars

Fence

Implants

Detritus

Mermaid, Pirate

Form, Bridge

Form, Wire

xxo

 

THINGS NAVIA SAYS

Mom, What if the moon was always gold?

I looked over at her little face beaming up at me.  I quickly grabbed my phone and snapped this photo.  
She was so full of wonder, so full of magic, this one, the way she sees the world.  She truly is my little rainbow unicorn.

i didn't want to forget her face. 


I didn't want to forget the miracle of  childhood -- of her childhood -- and her absolute knowing that
the world is good, and pure,
that moons are made of gold, 
that brains have their own names, like Pinky, 
that on certain days everyone one, and everything, including bones, 
need a special new name to fit a certain sparkly mood.

Here are a few more from the mind of Navia from the last month or so:

Mom, when will I be a hundred?

Write a note on my head, Mom. And a picture.  (I trace photos and love notes on her forehead. She does the same for me-- at every goodbye, at every goodnight.)

My brain said Darth Vader is in Hollywood.

I named my brain Pinky.

I named my bones scary. And it's last name is skinny. Middle name is Boney. So Scary Skinny Boney is its name.

Mom I changed my name to Stella.

Mom, when will I be a thousand? 

Dad, did you know I've seen Superman and he's famous?  Mom after i'm Princess Leia, can I be the girl superman? Can we start flying, Dad?

I like it when people can't see my skin. 

My name's not Stella. It's Rebecca now.

Dolphins can't even pick there own boogers cause they don't have a hand.  

(pics from when we went camping over spring break)

xxo

KEATS TURNS 3

 

Hello Sweet Keats,

My now three year old boy.

You had a birthday yesterday. On your birthday eve, you went to bed with snuggles and love by me and your two sisters. (your dah-dy as  you say, was at work).  We lit a candle in your honor and talked of how it would be your last sleep as a two year old and when you awoke you would be three.  but when you awoke, you were sick with fever and stomach bug. not a great start to your day, but it provided lots of cuddle time and finally at some point later in the day, you felt well enough to lethargically open a few presents and we promised when you were feeling better we'd celebrate in more style and make it a birthday weekend to do all the playtime fun we'd arranged for your special day.

some things you say + do:

mom, will you pway bad guys wif me?

I don't give-fer you!  (forgive you)   (when he gets mad, even if it's by his own doing)

I'm not gonna be yer bess fren anymore!  (ditto)

Mom, you know what would be funny? if the house could walk and talk!

The 'Fice! (Police)

I've got a pink motorcycle.

I yicked you mommy!  (His favorite version of a kiss)

I wiped it off! (his game for kiss me again, so i can wipe it off and you can kiss me again).

when you're mad, you take your socks and shoes off in protest. pretty much every time. it's pretty cute.

when you hurt yourself, you don't take comfort easily. usually you get mad at whoever first approaches to see if you're ok.  sometimes you'll run in the other room. you've been doing this since you were a babe. ;)

 

 

you are mostly potty trained now... mama was pretty lax, third kid around, but you didn't seem to mind and it was such a natural, smooth process for all of us, taking it slow.

you're a champ on your scooter, and have been since about 18 months. you definitely have your own smooth style, the way you ride, much like a skater or snowboarder and it seems you are gravitating, just like your daddy, to those types of sports, which is fine by me.

mainly, you are my little light, my love, my baby boy and i am so so blessed to be your mama.

happy birthday, little man.

xxo

 

WHAT HAPPENS AT BEDTIME

is a little something like this.

every
single 
night.

and i love it. except when i don't. when i'm tired and just want to go unwind... and then i look at their little cone-pirate legs and cone-pirate hook hands and their giggling and joy and i start to laugh, letting their joy wash away the unimportant tensions of the day...

these little people. they've really got it all figured out way more than us grown ups.

:)

xxo

SELF / PORTRAIT & a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)

today marks another year round the sun for me.

last night i was thinking about how "you should live each day as your last" and if that were so, that today would be pretty good day.  i wasn't really focusing on the "dying" part, but more on the amazingness that life is so it wasn't all morbid like it may sound... but just how such simple pleasures are truly what i would want as a "last meal" type of day.

grateful that i spent the day with the sun on my face and feeling the wind brush across my skin. 

that i climbed a tree.

that:

i picked ladybugs with my children, and felt the enlivening prick of thorns 'gainst my fingertips.

i cuddled and played with each of my children, made love to my husband, dissolved into the poeticism and grand ideas and precise, beautiful language in my new favorite novel for almost an hour...

i awoke happy and arose slowly, rushing to get nowhere.

that i'd spent time in prayer and meditation, and set intentions for this next year round the sun.

that i had sung a lullabye to my sweet daughter, my navia, that i was holding and rocking her in my arms as i thought all of these things....

and was a bit choked up,  the tenderness of it all.   i guess that happens, when you get older, each tenderness breaking you open so you can hold more and more of it.

i prayed for the gift of another full year.  i  have lost too many to take these days for granted. i find myself sending up thanks and gratitude constantly just for allowing me to be  A L I V E.

and because i want to honor me, and include me, i am grateful for me, too. :)  i am grateful for my intentions and consciousness with the last four decades. sure, i've stumbled and made some wrong turns. but all in all, i'm proud of where and who i am, but humble enough to know it wasn't merely my doing that got me here. it was the helping hands and guidance of many loved ones and the grace of God that struck me with some course-correcting wisdom in several opportune moments.

i hope you'll allow me these few self portraits. i took them last week for a photo assignment and seems very fitting to share them here in this online journal as an excercis in greater self acceptance.  as the one behind the camera, i am hardly ever in photos anymore... and certainly not solo, and certainly not with makeup on. ;)  so here's to another year round the sun. this is me, this is where i'm at now, some four plus decades into this wondrous journey!

xxo

FLIP FLOP (OR, THE 11%)

Sometimes I worry I'm too much of an introvert/loner/non-conformist to ever be any good at this whole social media thing/building a tribe/community. Then my brain flips and I think: I'm too much of an extrovert to not seek some sort of online connection. (Not that virtual connection is any sort of worthy goal, except that it is, because IRL I seem to get together with friends too infrequently too sustain my need of heartfelt communion, so virtual connection can be a little crumb of sustenance.)

I took one of those Breyer-Miggs test recently. It said I was 11% more introverted than extroverted.  

I'm letting my kid play hooky from school cuz I think she seems stressed and needs a day off to catch up/do nothing/help her sister "make carrots for their bunny." I feel great about our connection and pride myself on breaking the rules of school attendance and make another mental note of how homeschooling would probably be a much better fit to my personal philosophies. Then my other kid says he hates me before I'd poured my morning coffee and I bemoan the fact that I didn't pack them all off to pre/school, sick or not, today. He throws his flailing arms 'gainst the floor because I put his breakfast onto the small plate instead of the big one. Then he slams the door (working on it), and my upstairs neighbor sends me a scathing text, schooling me on the structural makeup of a 1920's building, how sound rattles and travels, and how my kids' door slamming gave her a mini-heart attack last week so I'd better get it under control. My kid-who-hates me comes to snuggle in my lap. 

I look at another photographer's work this morning and am filled with longing and melancholy. I look at another's and feel like I want to punch a wall. I think: I should get back to my family photography and client work and really put myself out there. Then my brain flips and I think: I really do need more time alone to go deeper with my personal photography work. I wonder if I'll ever be able to produce a body of work as powerful as the Larry Sultan retrospective I just saw at LACMA. 

I surf over to check in with a homeschooling/homesteading community I follow and imagine how they've probably milked the cows, fed the goats and gathered eggs from the chickens as the rooster crowed and their photographer mom took idyllic, magical pictures of her kids (who are not at all suffering from nature deficit disorder) in a field in that perfect early-morning light, children dressed in socially and environmentally conscientious organic Laura Ingalls Wilder-looking threads from small-run-production designers as they begin their artful homeschooling day. I think: we should buy a small farm with 20 acres and a goat. 

Then I flip over to some other moms' feeds who are killing it in the work force, mostly in creative fields. I ooh and ahh over their latest creations/successes, cheering them on and imagine their gentle-parenting-trained nanny swooping in to a perfectly designed home at 6am so mom can sleep in for another half hour, then take a shower and dress herself and her kids in the latest artisanal, small-run, boutique designer threads from Spain that I was eyeing online last night as I considered which meals we could forsake so that I could afford three of those $80 cute t-shirts-- one for each kid--instead. I read their selfie posts with links to all their articles of well-coifed clothing sourced from Guatemala and socially conscious brands as I slide on my Target sweatpants. I imagine them feeding their children a farm-to-table breakfast as I myself skip the organic eggs this morning in favor of unwrapping a strawberry granola cereal bar thingy (does that count as a fruit? do I get points if it's organic?) for my kids so I can steal 10 minutes to myself to write before I go insane. I think: I should hire a nanny and start killing it in the work force. Also, I sure do hope someone buys that designer t-shirt for their kid and then casts it off at our local kids consignment shop so I can scoop it up because damn, it sure is cute.

My kids want another breakfast-- what a granola bar wasn't sufficient?-- and I regret that we ever became health conscious enough to stop buying boxed cereal because dang that sure would be quick and easy right now. I kiss my kid and say, "Ok, I'll cook you something." "I yicked you Mom!" he says, having just dragged his tongue across my leg (his greatest sign of affection) and runs off to the other room to build castles with his sis. 

I know both worlds I've just imagined are illusions, yet I can't help but feel slightly stuck between the two, like I'm straddling both worlds... But maybe one 11% more than the other.

Her. Him. Them. // Scootering

It's impossible to make your eyes twinkly
if you're not feeling twinkly yourself.

-Roald Dahl

 

Her. 

 

 

Him.
Them.

and the ever present scooter.

i cannot tell you how my heart swells, seeing the two of them together.  

a friend once told me the joy of more than one child is witnessing the love they have for each other. i'm sure i've repeated it countless times myself to other two-bie moms.

yes, they bicker sometimes. but rarely with a vengeance and rarely for very long.  

 

 

 

Valentine's Day

it was Valentine's weekend, and especially because it was our first weekend to be together since the kids and i were out of town for a few weeks, i wanted nothing more than to just have a family play day.

the Mister and I had gone out for an early valentine's dinner the previously (because honestly, who wants to go out on Valentine's day and fight the crowds?)  i'd been out of town for a couple of weeks, so we were in need of  a date night.  but this weekend i was so grateful that nahch wasn't working and we could have a family playday at the beach.

we headed to zuma, one of our fave spots. it's a bit further for us, but worth it for the easy access from the car, and how un-crowded it is even on a holiday weekend.

Usually the kids are off before we even finish setting down our spread of blankets/toys/food/sunscreen and I love just watching them go full tilt, unfurling their exuberance to the sea.

I spread out the blanket, careful not to get sand on it even though I know Navia and Keats will soon tromp their cute sandy feet all over it.

Nahchey and I play catch with the football.  When he goes for a surf, I play with the kids. I take photos. I stare into the sea. 

My beautiful boy is racing out of childhood and with everything in me I remind myself to enjoy the NOW-- to not miss this very moment by regretting how quickly yesteryear has come and gone. So i take a breath and release the longing for time to slow down and I breathe in this precious boy.  He grabs his skateboard and wants to go to the sidewalk to ride. In a minute, I say. Let's build a castle first, or watch daddy surfing. This seems to distract him for the time being and he runs off toward satine.



classic navia. she sang and danced and sang and danced for me.

the sun started dropping. we donned some more clothes and walked over to surf down the sand dunes.

they must've climbed that hill a thousand times. then i changed the angle and told them to go big; i wanted to shoot some silhouettes. even with such simple outlines, isn't it amazing how easily recognizable we are by our gestures, or movements? so much of my family's personality is present even in these silhouettes.

finally, i couldn't stand it anymore. i wanted in on the fun! :) so i set the camera settings for nahchey and told him to shoot a couple of me. guys, i cannot tell you how much joy a simple leap will bring you! it must've been months since i had run and leapt with such abandon. i felt like a kid again, the 15 year old me in dance class.  

it was a beautiful day spent with my four favorite people.

hope your weekend and your valentine's day was full of play and love and beauty.
xxo

 

Big Boy Underpants and Easy Peasy Potty Training

keats was soooo proud of his big boy undies that i just had to snap some photos!  he seems so big to me here, when not in his diapers.  

we have lazily begun potty-training.  i say lazily because when we are at home with no where to go, i'll put on his underwear, his "fruities" that he loves so much.  but those days are rare that we can just stay at home all day.  so when we're on the go, i've decided to potty train the easy peasy way: with his normal pull ups. basically, still taking him to the potty on a regular basis and reminding him to keep his pull-up dry, but if he has an accident, no big deal. Easy peasy. 

we were just traveling for two weeks and i wasn't about to deal with accidents on the plane or long hours on the road.  So, on go the pull ups.  Especially since my little guy does ok on peeing in the potty, not so much on the "poop." :)

Now that we're back home, I'm excited to get him back in his "Fruities" underpants. He loves them so much, and is so proud, that he works even harder to keep them dry.

Moms, the beauty of this potty training thing is there is no right way. forget about the experts. trust your gut and do what works for you and your fam!  

My style is gentle and easy. (I seem to have gotten uber-lax about all things potty training with #3) :)  
But what I do know for sure is that a cute pair of underwear sure does help! Have them go shopping with you to select their very first pair of big boy/big girl underwear and make it super special.

What about you? What works for you and your littles to get them to go?

 

 

 

something strong and true

How do you create something strong and true? 

How do you live deeply, and authentically?

How do you weave together moment after moment, heart with heart, into a life fabric that is authentic and bold and true? A life that ignores the standard platitudes of (what the world considers) "success", and is in tune with that quiet voice that whispers to you, calling you home to yourself? 

How do you honor the calling of your heart-- by plowing forward, or standing still?  Do you go inward and deep, or do you test your resolve and constitution out in the world, choosing breadth over depth?

I think we all know it is a bit of both,
a delicate balance of push/pull,
a jumping into the unknown, a scurry of activity, a period of calm… 
waiting and listening… 

                                                for sometimes the truest voice is the softest. 

*

When I was pregnant with my third child, that voice was became very clear:  narrow my breadth. intensify my depth. I felt a stirring in my soul that I should stop working. I didn’t want to stop working—I loved my work.  I just felt that I should. I knew in my heart that, despite having worked with my first two kids, I needed to shift gears.

It took 6 months of turning down photoshoots before I stopped getting that sinking feeling in my stomach. As much as I looked forward to more time to being a Mom and all that entails, it still felt like a retreat in terms of career. It was turning from a place of expansion & pushing forward, to a more narrowly focused space. It’s hard letting go of work you love, of having that “thing for yourself” outside of being a Mom. And when I would look at my working friends-- many of them mothers themselves-- in that state of success, making waves, moving and shaking, making, creating, achieving, doing, doing, doing, becoming a "Somebody”…. it was hard to walk away from that.

Still, no matter how conflicted I was, I garnered my faith and trust, and said “no.” Because that’s the way the voice is: it doesn’t always tell you The Easy Things.  Sometimes it tells you Things for Your Own Good. 

It’s time to stand still.
Shift focus.
Depth over breadth. 

I wondered, is this how we hear the voice of God (if one is of that persuasion)? Is it in the quiet corners of our heart, calling us toward paths we may not have chosen on our own, but are potentially more divine and authentic?

Your children's faces are planets,
their hearts, each of them, a universe.
There is richness here.
Your full attention is required.
You have some edges to soften.
Your heart must grow. Your faith must expand.
Depth over breadth.

*

For the last two and half years, I've been solely in the beautiful trenches of motherhood. I’ve traveled merely inches wide but a thousand miles deep, entrenched in the messy, beautiful, act of people-shaping and family-making. The five of us, sharing our hearts and souls with one another. Joys, sorrows, strengths, and flaws, all on display, each of us learning how to love more wholly and calling me into a better version of myself. Some days are smooth sailing; others, one micro-fail after the other. But we are committed to one another, and ultimately, I trust that commitment and love will triumph all our mistakes. 

I have morphed--  from Mother... to Mother... to Mother.... 

each new child scraping away at what is not needed, exposing what is, pushing boundaries, desires, hopes. Its been a spiritual  journey, a mirror reflecting my strengths and weaknesses, a culling out of new identities and callings.  Motherhood—and my faith—has brought a surrender to the process and timing of things, knowing that it's ok to put Things I Want Now into the Things Shelved For Later bucket, when the timing is better.

But within that, you must grapple with the loss-- for there is a loss: of “status,” money, career momentum -- and trust that it will be made up for in other ways, more important ways. That what you gain will trump what you lose.  Things will unfold as they should.  There is a higher order of things. What is meant for me, what is good for me, what is necessary for me, will all be available on the other side of this, when I go back to work.

Trust.
Surrender.

But it’s not always so easy. Nobody’s getting rich being a SAHM, and to say it’s been a financial strain is a gross understatement.  There have been lots of sacrifices and humilities of my own ego.  From the outside, and on my bad days, the inner critic may see only the one inch wide. But the heart, and the hearts of your babes – they see the thousand miles deep.

Trust.
Surrender.

*

And now… now, I lean on that trust again, as I feel a new stirring…. to inch back to work… that the timing is right.

Step off the platform.
Branch out.
Breadth is ok now.

When my mind goes to fear (Can I do it? Will my family suffer for it? Will I be up working till 3am again? Can I handle the stress? Am I any good? Will my artistic voice find a home?), I gently try to refocus back into trust.  

Reshift, reshift, reshift.

So with the turn of the new year, I hope to step forward in courage. To create something bold and strong and true – with my family, with my work, with my friends, with my life.   “Breadth WITH Depth” I like to think of it…  we will see what the year brings, but I am open to the shift. 

What soft voice is calling you?
What dreams are calling you to your most authentic, strong and true self?
Do you find yourself in a period of depth? Or Breadth? Expansion or Drawing In? 

Whatever it is, cheers to you, cheers to me, and cheers to creating Something Strong and True.*

+        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +        +

*hence the name change on the blog, which originated as a personal blog, morphed
into a professional blog to collect my photography work, then back to personal blog.

to follow along with my photography life, check out my charleystar blog.
this one will remain as a personal blog. thanks!

 

 

our days now

an afternoon.
a walk.
some fresh air.
a blanket.
each other.

 

 

You Are So Sweet // Navia at Four

Hello Little Bunny,

you sparkly, feisty, little magnificent one.

you have just turned four.  four!  I can't believe it.  

four years ago i remember talking to you, still plump inside me, the morning of your scheduled c-section. two days prior, on halloween, you had jump started labor a week early. for eight hours through the night, you teased me that i would get to meet you that evening. at 6am, i remember thinking, if i have one more contraction that close together, i am going to the hospital.  but then....  i woke up, startled and confused. it was 9am.  

Oh.   I guess I'm not in labor anymore.  

So at that day's already scheduled doctor's visit, we scheduled the c-section for two days later (because of complication from the first baby.)  I didn't have a problem having a c-section, I had a problem scheduling your birthday. I wanted to honor that you had your own timing, and allow you that without my interference.  

so i talked to you, constantly.

i told you that you had to let me know.
you had to let me know if Wednesday was your day, 
the day you were meant to enter this world.

I told you to let me know by starting my labor.
and if not, if it was not ok, you had to let me know that too, and i would cancel the c-section. 

on wednesday, november 3rd, 2010, a little after three in the afternoon, you did let me know, with a soft, steady stream of contractions.  within the hour, they had ramped up significantly, and by the time i arrived at the hospital for my appointment at 5pm, we were in full-on labor. "you're in labor!" the nurses exclaimed after hooking me up to their machines.

"i know," i said calmly. "i've been telling you guys that."

urgency swept under their feet and people were suddenly abuzz about me. they didn't want you to descend the birth canal since we had to do a c-section, and my contractions were by now very close together. but i never felt more confidently calm, relieved that you had spoken, and that that day was going to be the day i would be blessed to meet you.

at 8:55pm, you burst onto the scene.  even in the E.R., you showed your spunky personality. from day one you have been a sweet, feisty, spunky little bunny. sensitive and fiery all in one and you have been a sparkling injection into our family.

*

we celebrated on your actual birthday with our family, and then had a small party with your preschool friends on the weekend.  it was your first "big" party and i loved watching you play with all your friends that you have started bonding with at school.



you are very much a girly-girl, and you love playing dress up. "i love girls with gloves!" you'll say, as you put on your blue Elsa gloves, the ones that play just a two line instrumental of  "Let it go" as you hop on your scooter, and i'll see your blue gown flowing and that pop of blue from your gloves as you scoot down the drive.

you got your very first pet, and i have loved watching you fall in love with her. you go to her first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  you first named her Snowy, but quickly added new names:  Snowy, Jewel, Anna, Elsa, all of which remain, and in that order, but for short you are simply:  Elsa.

you are super creative and make the most interesting drawings.  i love the insight it gives me into your mind and how you see the world.  

you love bandaids, as evidenced in the photo above.

Recently you declared that you had changed your name to Stella.   inexplicably.  you're not too insistent, but every so often you'll remind me.  "Okay, Stella," i'll say, and then we're good for another couple of days before you remember again. 

you're settling in at school, making new friends and bonding more deeply with old ones.  you're going to marry one little guy at school, you tell me.  Alex.  but assure me you are still going to marry me and daddy and keats.

when you get upset, you get really upset and it is hard to resettle you.  but recently we found a thing that soothes you:  a jewel.  or "jewel" i should say, as anything sparkly will work, or any old rock that resembles a crystal.  i will ask you if you want one, or you'll ask me, and it will instnatly recenter us both.

i love you immensely.  i have never met a more tenderhearted, passionate, sensitive, creative, and entertaining, knows-what-she-wants kind of girl such as you.  you are a light to us all.

happy fourth, my love.

 

Satine at Eight

Satine,

hello, beautiful.

you've just turned eight. 

eight years we've been blessed to have you, and I couldn't be more proud of who you are and to be your momma.

for eight years you have brightened our days and enlivened our hearts.  you are funny and kind, intelligent and curious.  you love writing poems and songs.  often you'll plaster the house with signs announcing the opening of your latest store or art gallery-- selling candy, drawings, random things found around the house.  you love staging dance and gymnastics performances (with and without your siblings) and the pleasure of your sweet disposition is accented with a peppering of random facts, like the number of muscles it takes to smile vs. frown or that fish can't blink because they don't have eyelids.  

you had a rough start to the school year, switching schools unexpectently twice within two weeks -- but we have turned the corner and things are on the up and up.  i am so proud of your big heart, your courage, your openness for change and willingness for adventure.

you love to make up your own riddles, jokes, and puns -- a testament to your love of words.  you often surprise me with poems and love notes that make the world break open into tiny, beautiful pieces.

you love science yet clearly have an artistic side.

these are photographs you took with my camera over the summer.  i find them beautiful.

you are a beautiful, beautiful soul, my love.  

i hope you are blessed with joy and happiness all year long.

i love you

i love you

i love you.


xxo
 

 

Our Days Now

Fall is in there air -- what little of it there is in southern california-- and pumpkins have begun to sprinkle the landscape.

the Mr. and I just returned from a glorious, nine day, kid-free vacation.

let's just let that sink in a bit.
nine days.
here.
no kids.
our first in more than 8 years...  it was desperately needed.

we returned home and these snaps are a sprinkling of our days now...

Satine is growing up so fast, and dangling in the border of childhood and the beginnings of pre-tween-hood, shapeshifting between worlds of increased independence and ownership of herself, yet clinging to childlike ways.  And unlike other changes that prompt a twinge of melancholy in me for the relentless advance of time,  seeing this dance in her makes me happy and totally in love.

satine, my girl.  surprisingly, it was satine that had the hardest time with us being gone.   she has been through so much these past two months:  two last minute school changes, lots of adjustments, and then right after switching to the second school, we left for vacation.  not great timing, but what're you going to do?  lots of Viber-ing from Jamaica. the man and i needed a vacay more than she needed us, and I knew she was in great hands with mom and auntie.

but she's doing great now.  planning out halloween costumes (she: Laura Ingalls Wilder from Little House on the Prairie; Navia: unicorn or Elsa; Keats:  "punkin. a nice one.")  and upcoming birthdays for her and her sis.  

i was super excited to see the kids, but what i wasn't expecting was how difficult my re-entry back to reality would be for me.

 

you'd think all that R&R would've energized me to face the days back home with renewed vigor and enthusiasm.  instead, i was a grumpy monster. bitter, angry, and full of resentment.  not at first, of course -- i was as thrilled and excited to see the kids as any mom would be. but after the third or fourth inexplicable tantrum -- even in the midst of doling out special treats and privileges --  my frustration got the better of me and i felt like having a few tantrums of my own.  in fact i think i did.  :)

The contrast of my stress & responsibility-free week of vacation, juxtaposed with these bewildering moodswings and tantrums of a 2, 3, and 7 year old, combined with the messiness, the chores, the constant cleaning (because mess drives me even crazier) made me realize maybe i had a bit of parental fatigue. Perhaps I'd waited too long (8 years) to take any real vacation and I needed to do a better job of taking care of myself.  But whatever the case, upon being back home, I discovered i must have left my patience swimming in the Caribbean.  

my little lovebug navia was testing me the most. if you follow me on instagram, you may've seen me post about it.  i know for a fact that had i been in a better state of mind, i could have alleviated or at least mitigated these situations. instead, my monster-grump attitude escalated things. i may or may not have turned into a green scary monster.  i may or may not have negotiated with my three year old as if she were a teenager (#parentfail101). there were lots of hugs to offset the many tears and frustration, but still. there were lots of tears and frustration. on both our parts.  i was surprised at myself. embarrased, ashamed, feeling like i was living on the edge; amped up and emotionally triggered (mad) beyond what matched the situation.  disconnected. knowing i was screwing it up but unable to stop myself from doing so. 

until i could. 

until i took a deep breath.

stopped, prayed about it. remembered, finally, out of frustration, Oh, yea.  let me turn this one over. Here you go, God. I'm surrendering (again) my parenting to You.  i cant do it.  i'm not getting through to her. i myself need a perspective change.  i don't know what to do. i'm spent. i'm exhausted, tired. crazy irritated (what's up with that? what's goin on with my hormones?!!?  please help me with that, too.)  heal our hearts. heal my resentment, her anger, hurt.  forgive me for yelling...  and so on.  

on the roughest, most emotionally-triggering melt-down kind of day, she awoke from her nap and i centered myself in love and patience, expecting the worst because navia holds onto anger and takes a long time to process and let go of it. before naptime, she was definitely angry with me and i braced for her to wake in a rage like she's done in the past.   i wanted to respond only with love, patience and empathy.  and yet...   she wasn't angry.  she awoke cheerful and carefree.  happy go lucky.  she woke and quickly was laughing and playing with her sister on the swings outside, and sweet as she could be to me.  

i sat and watched her, befuddled, beat-feeling, but happy and relieved that we both seemed to have turned a corner.

And ever since, we've been back in our little lovebubble.  we've downshifted back to normal and harmony is back. mostly. :)

this girl.... my little sugar and spice.  passionate, fiery, opinionated, loving when she wants to be... On the surface, her impassioned fieriness seems to mask her sensitivity.  but in fact, she is deeply sensitive and tender, she gets hurt easily, and in turn, lashes out instead of internalizing it into sorrow.   very different than satine.... 

Keats is talking up a storm now.  His latest:  I want touch it.  It soft!  I want touch it. It bumpy! 

so, those are our days right now.

school. changes. travel.  readjustments. the subtle feeling of Fall. swings. digging. balloons. tears, hugs and more hugs.

hope you all are well.

xxo

Beach Days

It is a gift, to see this much beauty of heart every day.

///

Satine

 

I sit for a long time, gripping the wheel in my illegally parked car outside the airport drop off.  If I careen my neck I can see into the lobby to watch as my Mom fumbles through her wallet for credit cards and ID and clicks through selections at the self-check-in screens.  I am waiting for the kiosk to spit out her boarding tickets.  This waiting, it is a small gesture, a final way of taking care of Mom the way she has done for me -- for all of us -- all this time.

She looks for me and signals that she's all set. We smile and mouth I love you's, and I get a little teary as she walks off into the crowd. I breathe deeply and feel the realization of the role reversals: when my mother would always tear up at airport dropoffs, and I'd be the one sauntering off into the crowd toward some new journey of my young adult life, feeling the slight tug and pressure of her longing for me to stay. And look at us now. Me, here, behind the wheel, extending the goodbye as long as possible, tearing up and wishing she could stay longer.

*

Summer seems to have come and gone and I look back in a panic. What did we do? Where did our days go? Were they rich and full? Do the kids have amazing memories of this time?  We traveled mid-July instead of our usual August, perhaps that was it -- why the summer felt truncated.  Or maybe it was that I didn't go back East this summer, to the little beach island where I'd spent summers all my life. Maybe that was what felt off.  Now, what little traveling I did is over. The houseguests and family are all gone and suddenly I looked up and it was August.

And there it was, again, the eternal cry of Motherhood:  "It's too fast! Summer's almost over! I blinked and they've grown so much!"  Depending on your mood when this realization hits, it either fills you with pride as you see the remarkable people your children have become, or it quite simply terrifies you, this rush of time. Maybe it's a mix of the two.

The hyper-realization that Summer has almost ended has made me very intentional about our days.  I like that.  When I go on vacation, I become a lazy Mom.  Lazy in that I know my children are surrounded with so many extra friends and family, whom I trust immensely, that I give over some of my parenting duties.  Somewhere in my subconscious I know I can relinquish 25% or so of the responsibility, and I grab that 25% for myself.  I grab it with everything I've got. It's brain space, heart and mind space I don't normally have for myself, and I miss it dearly.  So I relinquish control.  I need the rest from the responsibility of raising these whole, beautiful, kind, inspired, loving and loved people.  It really is an incredible responsibility and an amazing privilege to do this work.  It overwhelms me, sometimes, the beauty of it.  The difficulty.  The weight of it.  I pray that I am up for the job, that I will guide them well.  On another level -- a deeper, spiritual one-- I know, too, that my job is simply not to interfere.  That if can truly show them my full heart, I will have already partially succeeded.

*

So when we're back from vacation, when the relatives from far-away have left, and my amazing Mother, especially, has carted away her grandmotherly cares onto the plane, I ready myself and drive off from the airport.  The sun is setting into orange and pink dreams, making even the hard, industrial Airport Way neighborhoods morph into soft, rounded geometry.  I steady myself again, and take a deep, pep-talk breath. A mental shift into Let's do this, I am back on duty, fully.  I was ready and eager to have my kids back with me, our little family.

The children had developed some bad habits, some ugly behaviors that I had let slide too much on vacation. Some were fine for vacation (pajamas all day) but not so great for every day life (toothbrush? what's a toothbrush? and whose is that in the toilet?)  Others were more serious like consistent rudeness or lack of manners. Time for Mama to take the wheel and steer their little ships into a course correction.  So that task was at hand, surely.  But even moreso was that I just wanted quality time with them this summer.  I wanted to be really intentional about our days.  To be soft but firm, and extra loving around the behavioral concerns. Of course to address the behaviors, but underneath that, to address the need, which, usually, is merely to have more time with me being full present with them. Connecting.

That is the other eternal cry of motherhood, or motherhood of multiples, especially:  you never feel that you can give to each of them as fully as you want to, or feel you need to.  All the children, they need you so much.  Not all the time-- they're older, the're more independent in many ways now...  but that deep need to be truly seen, appreciated, noticed... it's just as strong if not stronger as when they were babes.  Just to have some one-on-one time with each of them daily... it's really hard to fit it all in.  And I see the meltdowns and acting-outs increase in whomever I've paid the least attention to lately.

Daily, I just want to shout to them :  I see you!  I see you, darling girl, doing that somersault which you couldn't do three weeks ago, and now you can, and look how your hair falls on your dewey brow like that, just so, and your face is no longer a face but a luminant moon, bright hope beaming from your eyes, the purest thing I've ever seen. 

But when you look at me to see if I'm watching you, you just catch my eyes darting over to your brother, who's bouncing his beloved ball.  You chastise me, "Mo-o-o-m!" and I say Yes, yes, I'm looking, I'm watching, show me your somersault.  But out of the corner of my eye, still, I am watching your brother, because if that ball bounces too far it will roll down the driveway, it will go into the street, because that what it does.  And your brother loves that ball, and he will chase it to the ends of the earth, he will follow it, right down the driveway and into the street, if i don't watch him, so I worry for his safety. But yes, little one, I see you, do your performance, I'm watching. 

And this is how it goes.  The daily, beautiful, chaos; and sometimes (though less frequently) the stillness of a moment, that frozen second like a gasp of air.  In and out, up and down, and we are just in the cycle of it, trying to stay present, calm, patient. 

*

And so.  I was on full alert mode.  I am on full alert mode.  Time. Love. Loving Firmness. and Play. Talking myself into more patience when necessary.  I have felt stuck in a rut of where to go, what to do, here in this grand old city.  I feel like after seven-plus years of kid-dom, I'm bored with our usual haunts.   I crave outdoor adventures in woods and creeks and feel stymied by my geography.  But I am determined to overcome, and work with what I have.  

Today, this day, we had the beach.  They had the sand, and the surf, and the sea. I had all that too, but most of all, I had them.

Miss Sassy Pants

 

Miss Sweetness too.

 

Bandaid

 

Signature Move
(a ghost sound "oooh" with her hands slowly moving up above her head.)

 

Love her little crooked smile.

Mr. Handsome   

Mr. Playful

 

///

xxo

KEATS' 2ND BIRTHDAY

hey keats, guess what? you're TWO  now!   yes, i know. it was last month, but it's taken me a while to post about it, and i do want to post it so i don't forget you at this time.

we celebrated you from dawn to dusk.

while the stars twinkled i quietly decorated for you. and when the sun greeted the day, we lit two candles in mason jars the girls had decorated, and balloons and streamers called out to you that it was your special day.  

just like last year, your favorite things are still balloons and balls, but this year you've added doggies and muunnnnneey (money, or anything the size of coins that you can play with in your fingers.)  so i packed the hallway outside your door full of balloons and when you opened your bedroom door, you shrieked with excitement, "Boons!" You didn't leave that hallway for a good 40 minutes. i missed the inital photo op where you were all smiles-- by the time i got my finger on the trigger, you were deep in balloon concentation mode.

navia finally gave up on waiting for you in the dining room and went in for a little brekkie snack without you. 

after opening a few presents and breakfast, we went off to meet some friends at the park and go boat riding. quickly, "boat" became a new fave in your lexicon and every couple of days since then you ask, directly, "Mom. Boat."

i can't even begin to fathom how the last two years have flown by so quickly, how you went from this or this to my beautiful little, sweet, sensitive, strong, two year old BOY. because you are: full. blown. boy.  and i am loving every second and inch of it/you.

you are beginning to really use your words, stringing together little phrases now.  your most recent, which you say with a proud smirk, is "i dunnooooooo."  you have the sweetest sounding, most agreeable, heartmelting "yea" in the whole world, and your "no's" can also fall into that category. but if you're not happy, which is rare, the "no" is quite defiant and loud. :)

if you get hurt, you don't seek comfort -- you get frustrated and mad and will often run off into the corner. i have to coax you with my soft words, but eventually your frustration subsides and you let me pick you up and comfort you. 

you're such a good brother to your sisters.  if one of them gets hurts or cries, you are quick to point it out to me, concerned, and are quick to offer comfort.  you are quick to laugh, quick to hug, and you are still my little snuggle bunny.  i love you so....

but back to your day:  after the park and the boat rides, we came home for nap and later, a little afternoon family (and a few family friends)  birthday party.

i stuffed the pinata mostly with coins, ball stickers, and just a few of the healhiest, least nutritionally offensive candies i could find. (we'd just come off of easter and the kids were already sugar overloaded.)

then there was the cake.   i am not really a baker, but three times a year, for the kids birthdays, i feel excited to test my baking prowess.  i feel like i should have in my cooking repertoire an amazingly divine vanilla cake that i can whip up from scratch and birthdays give me the opportunity to practice.  so i scoured the internet and found this really popular baking blog (which for the life of me i can't remember which one it was) and decided on a recipe that promised to deliver "the moistest, most delicious" hands-down vanilla cake ever, with the most perfect not-too-sweet vanilla frosting.

it was the moistest cardboad with the most disgustingly buttery icing i've ever had the displeasure of eating. but.not to worry.  i prettied it up with some pom poms (continuing with the "ball" theme), we lit that puppy up with a sparkler, sang our little hearts out to Happy Birthday CHA-CHA-CHA! and partied on.  plus keats still devoured it. :) 

 a necessity:   giant red balloon.

i saved keats' last present for the end of the day: three brand new jumbo balls from my mom, and they played handball well after sunset...

so happy birthday, my sweet little love, happy second year.

thank you for al that you are. 

xxo

MOM

“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” — Abraham Lincoln

My beautiful mom.  The only thing more beautiful is her pure goodness of heart.  Everything thing I've learned about being a great mom I have learned from her.  Even after all these years, I still call on her for advice and look to her as the example of the Mother I want to be.  

Thank you for all you do, Mom. You are kind, gentle, wise, and strong.  I've always known this to be true , that you have this perfect combo of love and gentle strength.  Since losing my Dad, my admiration for you has only grown stronger. 

Mom, you weather every storm with a grace that is truly impressive.  I admire you so, and count my lucky stars that God placed my life in your hands. Your generous, warm, and loving heart has been a powerful force in my life! Thank you for being you, for being my Mom and for being my children's "Coco"!  We love you!

BE A LIGHT

Be a light in this world.

 xxo

HANGING AT HOME // (GRACE)

home.

last post i wrote about the value of going out for adventures. but i didn't want to overlook the equally (moreso) valuable flip side of that:  just hanging 'round the house. 

beautiful things happen at home.

our lives ebb and flow within the domestic hum of the home...  the buzz of the washing machine, the smell of dinner in the oven, the watering of the plants, the sweeping of the floor for the seventh time today...  the pitter pat of little feet, the laughing and giggling, the fighting and tears, the cuddling and searching for personal space.  our hearts break and stretch and grow and break again, wide open, at home.

beautiful moments happen at home.

bathtime, cuddles, bedtime stories, airplane leg rides. jumping on beds, hide n seek. quiet conversations while the children draw, little hands helping you prep dinner. pudgy little fingers smushing and exploring your face while they laugh at you and make silly faces.

beautiful memories happen at home.

we have a rhythm now, a daily and weekly rhythm that allows for things to run more smoothly. like whenever we have a full adventure day out of the house, you'll find us hanging at home the next. after trial and error i've found that it's a great rhythm for us-- one day out, then a day or two at home (or mostly at home).  it puts the kids and me back into a real comfort zone and i can see how much they love just being able to wake up and play with whatever suits their fancy, or have a leisurely breakfast then stroll outside to play in the backyard, jammies still on, no Mommy urging, Come on we gotta go go go! 

digging for rollypollys. sandbox castles. playing on swings. butterfly sightings.

but truth be told, finding that rhythm was hard-won. hard-won through frustration and trial and error.  i had to feel my way through it.  trial. error.  seemed so simple, so easy. until i was in the thick of it.  hormones raging, sleep deprived, three people's needs (plus my own, plus my husband's) tugging at you every day.  i needed to put systems in place, a structure, a routine for almost everything until it became embedded in me, and it just flowed out like a loose, flexible rhythm.  trial.  error. i am not a structured/routine type of person. trial. error.

there were hard things about being at home. there were hard days. the relentless tasks of cleaning the same. old. thing. umpteen times in a row.  things like spending all day cleaning but your kids haven't been outside all day and you feel like a shadow of your former self. things like how one fling of an oatmeal bowl results in an hour of picking sticky oatmeal flakes off the blinds and walls and you resent that you spend your hours merely cleaning. there are hard days where you feel like a failure because you can't give your kids and yourself meaningful, fun, productive days while keeping the house clean and still getting dinner on the table at a decent hour. you succeed at one thing but fail at the other. you're hard on yourself. you feel isolated. you haven't showered in days. you went out and had a great day but now you're back home, the kids are dirty, you're exhausted, the house is a mess, there's nothing to eat and nobody's got anything to wear because you didn't do laundry for two days.

i was working on it, trying to figure it out.
there were hard days.
hard days, great days.  ebb, flow. 

eventually

something fell out of me, sifted out in the flour, the laundry, the scrubbing of the floors. the bottom dropped open and with it, my heart.  i fell through -- past anger, past irritation, past keeping score. perhaps it was guilt that sifted out, perhaps it was judgement. maybe ego. certainly it was hormonal imbalance, that fell out thankfully.  but through no doing of my own, Grace washed over me and i fell through into some greater vision, some larger purpose and renewed perspective.  i remember it like this:

i am forgetting who i am. i am seeping through cracks in the floorboard like the crumbs from breakfastsnacklunchsnackdinner that i clean 365. i lost myself in the laundry somewhere, in an orphaned cream sock we bought for her tea party, in a diaper rash that required gentle tender baths at each changing. or maybe it was this morning in the deathly quiet, alerting me something was amiss, and surely, tiny, sweet, sticky fingers spread stickiness across twenty eight things -- walls, chairs, candlesticks -- in the dining room of my life, maybe that's where i lost myself. or maybe i baked myself and all my anger into the quiche last night, or in the snuggle bunny i found under the couch for the third time.  the repetition grinds me into a resentment. i wipe and clean and wipe and clean and wipe and clean floors til finally, through God's Grace, i realize: i have not been cleaning the floors; the floors have been cleaning me.

*

 

yes... something sifted out of me in the laundry.

there is Grace in this, Grace in this constant level of caretaking, this responsibility, this nurturing, this people-making, home-making, this housecleaning, these chores, this repetition of things that continue to grind out of me things no longer needed.

i have begun to figure it out -- a rhythm, a schedule, a delegation, this working-in-the-home thing. we have a loose but steady system that allows me to give give give yet still maintain something for myself. i've begun to figure out a "contribution system" where the children are able to help with chores, and a system for myself that keeps the household running smoothly. maybe not perfection but far from disaster zones and last minute scrambles.  a system where we can go out on adventures without other things falling apart, where days at home are full and meaningful, and where the house (and therfore my sanity) stays relatively clean and orderly. every day isn't perfect, but it's smooth and stable and good and full.

beautiful things do happen at home.

here are some of ours.

 









         

 

xxo

LITTLE ADVENTURES

satine was on spring break a few weeks ago, so we had the pleasure of spending full days together as a family which was so great.  having her at home all that time, and seeing she, navs and keats all playing together so well made me fantasize about homeschooling her so we could all be together all the time.  it felt right.

but i digress.

it's always been part of our family rhythm to spend time daily outdoors. it drives me crazy if i know my kids have been stuck inside all day. so important to get the little ones -- and mom-- out of the house! sometimes it's to the local park we've been to a million times, and on certain days, the backyard is the perfect fix. but at least a couple times a week and more when i can, i like to amp up the 'adventure' and take the kids on a mini-trip that feels like an excursion.  most adults love a road trip and visiting new locales.  kids are no different.  these don't have to be exotic trips-- just little, daily adventures right in your own city.  whenever the children are acting out, i know it's time to get going!  a change of scenery and fresh air does everybody a world of good.  

living in an urban environment, it takes a bit of work to find outings that will give my kids a sense of adventure and exploration. museums and such are nice, and we do them often, but there is something unparallelled about the open-ended exploration of just being outside in nature.  i long for deep woods and the smell of the earth. spring break was nice because we didn't have to juggle time constraints of two school drop offs and varying pick ups, so we were able to venture out a little further during the weekdays.

our latest jaunt was hiking to some waterfalls just outside of LA.  i'd never been before but it had been on my to-do list for a while.  it was a beautiful, wooded hike with lots of rocks and creeks.  i was a bit rusty in taking the kids out by myself to places where N and K needed so much physical assistance: crossing  creeks over the sometimes slippery wet rocks and climbing up and down large rocks/boulders. so my mom-guard was on high alert, but i knew we could do it with patience and just succumbing to the fact that i'd just have to get a little wet.   i gave up on trying to stay dry by crossing the creek via stepping on rocks, and instead just walked through the shallow creek. Better wet tennies than to slip and fall while carrying the babes across.

once i figured that out i eased into the situation, and as i watched my kids traverse those trails, creeks and boulders, i realized how much they needed this. i realized how capable they were. how determined. how hungry.   i guess my local hiking trails were not quite scratching their itches and i noted to make more of an effort to get out of my urban area and into some real childhood-worthy nature.   

so i'd carry navia across the creek while satine, great big sis and helper that she is, stayed with keats on the other side.  since he was the youngest and most likely to dart off i wanted to be sure he was with someone.  navia would wait while i went back to help keats across.  satine could cross on her own.   the kids loved it.   every time we came to another creek crossing they'd get extra excited and soon satine was choosing to step right into the creek herself.  

navia carried that leaf for a good half hour

not sure what is happening here but safe to say keats was very excited about his rocks. it should be noted, too, that prior to this trip he had yet to utter "rock,"  and he now feels compelled to vocally label every pebble. :)    

pretty much right into the hike we found a spot to picnic, because SaNaKe is always starving (yes, i did just Brangelina my kids' names).  then we'd walk for a bit more, jump off some rocks, ooh and ahh at the creek and waterfalls, and then we'd carry on some more.  we saw three waterfalls but didn't make it to the BIG waterfall.  i think we were about 10 minutes away, but at that point we'd already been walking for about 1  1/2 hours and the trail seemed to get a little treacherous for one adult and 3 littles, 2 of which were not very sure-footed. so we just plopped down and enjoyed throwing rocks into the creek and digging at the dirt like we didn't thave a care in the world.  

it was pretty much a perfect day.

afterwards when i was driving back home, the kids were zonked out in that mouth-agape, drooling, hair-matted-to-their-flushed-cheeks kind of way that only a full day's play can give them... i felt contented.  

my children were contented.

that's the gift of a day well spent.

*sorry for the photos. i'd wanted to take my 'big' camera but knew i couldn't manage that and the kids -- so these are just snaps from my phone...  which died 5 minutes into the hike before we got to the creeks or waterfalls!  but you'll get the idea.  :)

 

where:  eaton canyon
food for thought: nature deficit disorder / last child in the woods

 

 

 

EL MATADOR

i have always loved the danger and bliss of the sea.

the knowing that what is beautiful can also crush you.

mini road trips for salt air + views.

time to let the day unfold at it own pace, to see your baby boy now as a little man,
puffed up and proud as he climbs + jumps his way out of toddlerhood.

to spend time with Mom + watch the intergenerational exchange between her + my children.

to see your husband again, anew... and realizing I love this man.

watching navia lost in a moment, singing to no one and everyone, and satine, being satine.

exploring rocks + caves + feeling eternal + small all at once in that Man vs. Nature kind of way.

space to dream, to unfold, to do nothing and everything by simply staring at the sea or noticing the golden light glistening on the soft fuzz of your daughter's arm,

and realizing you've never seen anything more beautiful,

or true.

these are the grand adventures...

xxo

 

 

 

LIFE NOW (PT. 2)

[omg it's been so long since part 1 of this post.  ha!]

i love watching their relationship with each other grow.

the running playing chasing loving hugging loving fighting screaming loving hugging. such is their cycle with each other. people often ask me if you are twins, and i guess i can see that.

navi & keats, it makes me happy, so happy, being out and discovering the world through your eyes.

these are our days.

and because you just turned three, a little video of navia. so i won't forget your sweet little voice at this time, your gestures, all of your many many imaginary friends, and your slight obsession with death. but that's for another post. :) 

 

 

LIFE NOW (PART 1)

 

three.

she's three now.

it's been forever since i last posted.

sumer has transpired into fall, fall into winter.

life has been happening in the cracks, the small moments.  

oh, sure, grand things have happened. adventures and explorations. we went away for the summer, visitng friends + family and exploring new places. satine started 1st grade. navia started preschool. they are seven, three, and one and a half.  our family rhythms and dynamics have changed three or four times over as the children grow through various stages...

but mostly, mostly, even in the traveling, life happens in the small moments. 

the mundane, the daily tasks.

so much of loving, of parenting, is not in the grand gestures, it's in the way you tie their shoes.  the way you wipe their noses or put them back to bed the third time in an hour., the way you love them through a tantrum. it's in the daily tasks, the sweeping of the floors, the folding of the laundry, the making of the coffee, the changing of the diapers, the scooting over to make room for one. more. kid in the bed when you've already been elbowed and have no covers. it's in the picking up of rocks and acorns on walks, the laughs, the cuddles, the boo-boo kissing and block building and bathtime splashing and bed jumping and airplane-leg-riding. 

these are the grand gestures.

in the just-being-there-ness, in the the being-in-the-thick-of-it-ness.

in the showing up and being present.

we've been in the thick of it.  i've been in the highs and down low in the trenches, trying with all that i am to show up, fully present and open hearted,  to all of it--  the good, the great, the sometimes great, and the not so great.  surrendering to this time, this process.  the elated joy and gifts of children, as well as the chiseling intensity in the cracks of motherhood.  

there has not been a lot of room/space/time for other things...hence my "maternity leave" morphing into an unexpected full-blown "hiatus" from my photography work, which i've missed dearly (probably one of the hardest things about this time, but it's all worth it and we've made it through this most intense stage!) : )

coming up for air a bit now,  wanted to get back to documenting our small moments grand gestures, our justbeingtogether-ness.

i took keats and navia out for her three-year photoshoot and some playtime in the woods.

i wanted to record, to see. life's so fast, i need the photos to remind teach me what happened...

oh sweet navia. 

oh sweet keats.

thank you.

thank you.

thank you.

i am  so grateful for these rich, full days.

 

 

* * part 2 cont'd in next post **

 

YOU TASTE LIKE FIREFLIES YOU SMELL LIKE THE EARTH

When Summer, that great seducer, beckons you into your own unfolding, each of it’s fire-kissed and tender breaths melting off  stress/tension/clothes….   succumb.

 

When babes, in states of undress, frolick in grass/surf/sand with roly-polys/ladybugs/sandcrabs
in hand…  allow.
 

Oh, my little ones, fall into these mother’s arms.  Tears and childhood 
have erupted upon your face.
 

You are a salt-crusted mountain.  You taste like fireflies. You smell like
the earth.

 

These days are ours.

 

Let us be free, and
heart-wild.

 

Let us sit, and call the stars
by name.

           (They were yours before you were mine.)

* 

 

NAVI FIGURINE

 

 

LA BELETTE ROSE

I love the sweet illustrations of Cecile Valletoux of La Belette Rose.  Cecile is a french illustrator doing commissioned portraits for families.  She approached me about  illustrating one of my photos, and just look how sweet it turned out. Thanks Cecile!   You can check out Cecile's custom Little Portraits here.

TALKING TO MYSELF

we are our own best company. better learn to like yourself. :)

what about you, do you talk to yourself?

interesting.  and

some say it can make you smarter.

hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend! 

17/52

Satine
(if you follow me on instagram you may have seen this one)

Navi 

Keats

 

16/52: HAPPY

Oh, Keats.
You turned ONE this week!
Bday pics to come, but i'll share these for now.  He's pretty happy don't ya think? :)

 

Sweet Navia

Sweet Satine.

xxo

 

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013"

15/52: FAMILY PORTRAITS

Keats

climber-walker-mover-shaker. thrower, cuddler, hugger, kisser.

climbing onto -- and into -- everything!  i had to move all the  delicate items to the top shelves.  You are very much indeed a BOY and i love learning how your need for exploration and physicality is so much more intense than your sisters' were at this stage. 

and for the record:  you took a series of 7 steps this week!  congrats, lovebug!

*

Satine. 

"It smells so goooood Mommy!"

we did (ahem, the hubby did) some work on the backyard garden over the weekend. satine played with some roly polys and then salvaged this neglected, harvested-too-late-from the garden little gem from the trash pile.  She picked it right up.  Of course, she would see it in it's true perfection.  

thank you satine.

* 

Navia

in reverie

Lately, I've been astonished at how much of a big girl you have become. One day in particular you napped on the couch. Instead of your usual rush to see me when you awoke, you simply lay there, locked into some magical world of your own creation.

And you were so beautiful then, lost in your reverie, your sense of self, your inner world, so strong and full.  You had become a new person since breakfast.

i watched you with melancholic pride, so impressed with who you've become, yet fully aware that even now, you've got your own worlds that even I do not have access too.  

i love you my little sugar plum.

*

a portrait of my children once a week, every week.

FAMILY PORTRAITS: HALLWAY CAMPING + 14/52

we have three big hallways in our house. they get a lot of play.

as a kid, i remember shutting all the doors to make the hallway pitch black, and playing "space" or "rocket ship" or whatever else me and my sis's little imaginations could dream up.

so happy to see my three littles now doing the same. i found them like this one day, to my surprise, cuddled up in the hallway. they pleaded for me to shut the door 'cause i was "letting the light in!"  (that thing in satine's hand is a penguin flashlight.) i had to run get my camera before i ruined the moment for them.

i strive to get the kids (ahem, myself) out of the house most days to play and discover, but it's always so nice to have a relaxing day at home, and give them space to unfold into the day...

they usually create far better playtimes for themselves than i could ever dream up.

simple really. 

for hallways camping all they needed were

sleeping bags (or blankets) and some pillows
flashlight
balloon
books
and a daydream....

i mean, just look at navia, above, contemplating the whole world.... 

 

xxo

FAMILY PORTRAITS: 13/52

tini + navi:  mesmerized

my two girls...  

a rare moment of stillness and captivation....  

we save screen time for the weekends, and as you sat and watched our go-to-family-fave in the late-afternoon glow, i sat on the floor and watched you...   also mesmerized.

mr. keats in joyful exuberation

you simply cannot get enough of being thrown into the air.  

this week you are loving being thrown, your cow, and most of all, your toothbrush.

also, keats took his first 2 steps this week! not long before i'll be chasing you all over creation. oh wait, i'm already doing that. :)

ONLY IN LOVE ARE WE OUR MOST NOBLE

"...With full heart and all that I am... 

      I make these vows and declarations to you:

 that my heart and soul are bonded to yours,

            and will be forever more.... "

 

thank you to my love, my dear Husband,  for these last eight magnificent years. for the crazy, full path;  
the deep, full heart;  the highs, the lows, the beautiful children, the laughter, the good times, the strength, the loyalty,
the hardwork, the wholeness...     just so much... just so, so, much....  

 

"For more clearly than anything I have ever known, I know this:

 THAT YOU ARE MY PATH.  You  are my heart.

You are my home."

 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABE.  
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST LADY ALIVE.

 

A QUIET MORNING

FAMILY PORTRAITS: 12/52

satine making bird faces 

Breakfast reading: The Daring Book for Girls, a gift from a friend. awesome and inspiring for her. 

{also, i love when she wears this t-shirt-as-nightgown. it was my dear Dad's, who passed away 2 years ago this month. i think of them together everytime i see her in it.)

navia

keats

FAMILY PORTRAITS: HALLWAY BOWLING + 11/52

Top images:  Satine and Keats in a mean game of hallway bowling.  (Highly recommend this set for indoor play. From here), a li'l birthday suit, and a human bowling ball.

Bottom: two faces of Navia.

 

 

 

FAMILY PORTRAITS / THE 52 PROJECT

 

*

Satine in Contemplation

*

Keats in color (version of this)

*

last year i was inpsired by deb to take more photographs of my own family.  i was so busy with client work and juggling motherhood/pregnancy/newborns the past couple of years, that i haven't documented my own family as much as I'd like, or if i did, the photos are buried in my computer somewhere.

i've also enjoyed looking at others' 365 Project seen all over the web.  I've seen the 52 Project around the web, and was inspired to do my own when i saw my friend elizabeth's 52 project.  i've been wanting to do something similar for so long, but didn't think i could commit to that type of daily/weekly/monthly ritual.  i mean, look. here i am 10 weeks late, er, in, and just now getting it together.  

but perfectionism is for the birds. right?! right! a domestic-mentor-someone inspired me to adopt this motto:  "You are not behind! I don't want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?" which is totally appropriate for this situation... so here we are.  jumping in at 10 weeks.

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, {uh, most weeks} in 2013."  

especially since i'm still on maternity leave from client shooting, i've really enjoyed getting out my "real" camera again, instead of just iphone snaps, and giving my family some of the photo-love attention that i give to my clients. we'll see how this goes.  some weeks might be portraits, some weeks might be more of a photo essay like deb's... my goal is just to re-commit to taking photos of my family the way i used to... 

anyone else doing a similar photo project? would love to see/hear about it.

xxo

 

HEY, YOU. STOP GROWING UP SO FAST.

hey, you. stop growing up so fast.

it's been 7 months since i last posted photos of you. though i take them quite frequently, i hardly have time to blog them.  but such is the pace of life today... with three, especially with you and your sister both being so young. life has been whirling by-- whirling! -- i can't stand it -- days whizzing by like bullets and me, observing all that you are and have become and i can't even believe my luck to get to be your mama.

sometimes, when i look at photos of you after you are asleep, my heart breaks into crackling fissures for all the new discoveries i find there in the photos, for fear that i missed them during the day when i was actually with you.  and then i will go and peer into your crib, see your rump in the air, knees tucked beneath you, and i'll reach down, squeeze your plump, squishy fingers with my finger tips, or rub your sack-o-potatoes back...

and for just a second, i'll be sad... sad in that my-heart's-so-full, motherly kind of way, sad that trying to take in all the details of your uniqueness and specialness is like trying to observe all of the stars-- you're bound to miss some. there's just So Much Good Stuff, and life is so full, and so fast, and i can't keep up, and there's three of you now, and, and, and..

I'm trying to absorb, to be present, and mirror back to you all that you are, and all the countless ways that i see you deeply and am on this ride with you, right here, right here with you.

so forgive me, little one, if i miss something.

now, you are talking. babbling, really, listening to your own voice, but i like to think that the other day in the crib you said your first word:  Mama.

MVI 7939 KEATS BABBLING from charleystar on Vimeo.

you are standing up really well on your own and attempted one (unassisted) step. your first. but you are making tracks down the hallway with your walker.

you grab everything. everything!  out of drawers. off tables. glasses off faces. anything you can get your hands on, you want to touch it, feel it, throw it, and sometimes even still, taste it.

you love to explore and you are superfast. and strong! and sometimes, when you're frustrated, you'll just THROW yourself in adorable exasperation, face down, onto the floor, palms slapping against the hardwood.

here you are lately:

your chubby cheeks and sometimes crazy eyebrow:

the wisps of your hair, which flare out on the sides:

your triumphant moves:

gleaming in the sun, that hair, again: 

your strawberry patch birthmark, about to be covered for good by your growing hair until at some future point you might decide to shave your head...

your smirk. the way your toe looks looks like a "thumbs up" symbol:

getting into, under, and behind everything:

and those eyes, which just kill me everytime...

your little chicklet teeth, which came in early at 4 months and have been non-stop ever since...

grabbing everything down,

pulling everything out:

your sweet li'l birthday suit:

(your dad thinks your smile is like Calvin's from Calvin and Hobbes, so we got out the book to compare.)

i love you, keats. every day. for the rest of my life. and then some.

thank you for coming into our family.

 

xxo

 

PORTRAIT /// NAVIA

sweet navia,

you are two now.

you love to sing your abc’s, twinkle twinkle little star, and Christmas songs, even still.  you love  the “Go sleep, Mama!” game, and shouting to wake me. Your favorite color is pink, and now, like your sister, you love asking me how to spell things and writing them down in your adorable scribble. you are feisty and strong, tenderhearted and kind.

you are flitting between worlds, you are quicksilver. You are dancing in discovery, you are twirling towards independence. You are sparkling life, you are stardust, you're a lightning bolt.  And for just a flash, I caught you, froze you in the tall grasses, to burn this and every moment onto my heart for eternity. 

 

 

 

 

 

SPARKLING & BRIGHT

i hope you and yours are having a wonderful holiday season.

this is a special christmas for us in that it's our first christmas with our complete family: me, nahch, satine, navia, and now little keats.  every first christmas with a new child has been special, but somehow knowing that we are done, this is it, this is our family, has hit me in a really special way this christmas as i take it all in.  

we're not travelling this year, nor do we have family coming into town. even though i'll miss seeing everyone and sharing this time with my family, i'm also enjoying just hunkering down here at home and discovering what this new "us" is... have to say it's pretty magical. :)

wishing you all warm holiday wishes and a joyful and prosperous 2013!

xxo

 

Portrait // Isabelle

 

 

 

Life Lessons from a Toddler

As I am striving to slow down, be present and soak in all of this time with my Littles, I find that I'm at my best when I follow her lead... when I stop the whirlwind of To-Do lists and mental clutter, and just be present.  My toddler does this so well, and everyday reminds me:

Slow down.
Be Present. 
Stop trying to do so much, but whatever you are doing, do it fully....
Then move on.
And when you are feeling overwhelmed, or tired, or 'hongy' (her word for hungry)?  

Simply grab an orange, sit on the floor, and take in the wonder outside your window.

I guarantee it will be the best moment of your day. 

xxo

WOO HOO I'M IN KINDERGARDEN!

big days around here... KINDERGARTEN officially starts this week! 

satine can't wait to be in "big school" and to have homework like the big kids do. (hate to disappoint her, but i don't think she'll have much homework in kindergarten, but hey, a girl can dream, right?) so we are winding down from Summer and ramping up for Fall. but one thing we're not ramping up for and that's "back to school shopping" for a new school wardrobe. which brings me to my point: 

one day over the summer satine was in this dress above. i bought it from here and it's been great, we've gotten a lot of life out of it.  she loves this dress-- it's her go-to.  and even though i bought it for a special ocassion, i love that she wears it wherever, whenever.  i'm not precious about it and neither is she. if i were, she'd only get to wear it once and then it'd be too small.  besides, there's something precious in itself --and awesome!-- about the dichotomy of her wearing a lovely, silky dress while collecting bugs, playing with catepillars, and doing cartwheels in the grass.  

but i digress.  so one day satine is wearing this dress and she announces, "hey mom! maybe i can wear this dress to the first day of school!  well, i said, probably not, because at your school they wear uniforms.

did you hear that people? uniforms. holy cuteness.

now, i confess that as a kid, i hated uniforms.  hated them in all their creativity-restricting-imprisonment. not that i wore them myself, i just looked with pity upon  those poor souls forced to wear them. oh foolish me.  i must have somehow missed those sweet peter pan collars, those awesome little jumpers, those knee high socks that just scream childhood. i seriously can't stop oohing and aahing at the sweetness of it. 

if i can get satine to sit still long enough for a photo, i'll try to post a pic of the uniform after school starts. but for now, here's to dressing up!

 

STAYCATION

photo by me, from a new & exciting project i'm working on. can't wait to share more!

KEATON, 3 MONTHS

Oh, little one, you've charmed us with your ways...

you are strong now, and you are drooling! you can flip over now and love your tummy time.

you wake up with a smile, a coo, and a laugh every morning... and i love that your happy little face is the first thing i see when i awake.

you are starting to look more and more like your daddy. i think he's pretty stoked about that, and with your handsome li'l face who can blame him?

your sisters absolutely adore you, as do i.  although navia doesn't know the strength of her hugs, and she's made you cry more than a few times with her, um, love pats. sorry about that.  

navia has dubbed you:  "Bah-yeee" (her attempt at "buddy").  it's so cute how she says it, that we all call you that now. Bahyee.    

thank you for coming into our little family.  can't imagine me without you.

 

some self portraits of me and keats...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RUN TOWARD WHAT IS CALLING YOU

my family and i (well, me and the huz) have been doing a lot of soul-searching this week,  brewing over some big decisions.  we are making long and short term plans, laying the ground work for some new directions both personally and professionally. Exciting stuff for sure, although it comes with a letting go of sorts...  

sometimes this letting go of things held dear, even if for the greater good, comes with it's own pinch of heartache. One of the most challenging things about being a parent and a spouse, i think, is achieving a healthy balance for the whole family unit.  in my case, for five individual people. not an easy feat. but as a team, my husband and i strive to ensure that each of us are getting all of our needs -- and dreams -- met as best we can, and balancing it all so our family can thrive. 

anyone else relate?

For now, I think we have made some good decisions.   It feels good to move forward, repackage, reevaluate. i'm excited about new directions both personally and professionally, individually and as a family. as the saying goes, sometimes the best decision is ANY decision.  so just the act of deciding itself will open up avenues.

when i've had a week like this, i feel the sea calling me... i know that salty air can wash away the old and bring in the new, can replenish and rejuvenate.  

do you have something that needs to be washed away? something pulling you forward?  
whatever is calling you, run toward it. go. enjoy your weekend.

xxo

MY LIFE IN A INSTAGRAM (april/may)

been a while since i've gone through my IG pics... life is so full, and so superfast for everyone these days that it's hard to get the full impact of the amazingness of a life, all of these wonderful moments, except for in reflection. anyone else feel like that? like, you know it's pretty cool, this moment you're living in...  maybe it measures a 6 on a 1-10 scale.  but in reflection, it's somehow become a 10.5 moment. i dunno, maybe that's just me. but that's why i love looking back on all these pictures... so that i can more fully feel that tenderness, that sweetness, that beauty and joy of life. soak it in a little more fully... (except that my littles are growing up so fast it make me wanna cry! sniff sniff!)

i think most of these are from end of april/may, starting from when Keats came home. and if it weren't for having a camera in my back pocket (the one on my phone) i would've probably forgotten these already. sigh. thank you iphone.

hope you are having a good week!

xxo

FROM NEW SERIES I'M WORKING ON... // sneak peek